The Grandmother Shawl

 

For a while now I have been a little anxious about the idea that I will become “a little old lady”, eventually.   I lacked a clear vision of my role in my own life going forward into the future.    

I bought a shawl, because I liked it and it called to me.  A friend (who is a generation older than I) said it looked like a hug from a grandmother.  I agreed, but my mind responded, “and that would be me.”

I began to think about the image that I hold of the “little old lady,” the grandmother.  Not my grandmothers, nor my own mother but, the archetype, the Goddess as Grandmother.

I was surprised to discover that the image I hold is one that I find beautiful.  Yes, she is soft and round, yes, she is gray and pale, yes, she is not as strong or limber as a young woman but, she is also resilient, and steadfast.  She is comforting and loving and fierce. 

She knows herself, and how to hold space for those she loves.  She has wisdom born from personal experience and can offer sound guidance and support.  She knows how to listen and how to teach others to stand in their own power.  And she knows how to stand in hers.

She is not overtly sexual in the way that our society thinks of the sexual woman but, she has sexual power that arises from her understanding of her own desires and her lack of shame in enjoying the sensual, physical pleasure that she can offer to her lovers.  I had worried a little that my lovers might no longer feel sexual desire for me when I indeed become this “grandmother” but, I find this image to be intriguing and mysterious, and yes, desirable.  If I find this image desirable, I trust that they will as well.  the need for love is not exclusive to the young.  The gifts of love, sex, pleasure and healing are not only to be found in the young either.

So this shawl holds the vision, of the woman I am becoming, the woman I look forward to becoming, the woman I already am.  And I wrap it around myself when I need a hug from the Grandmother, or to embrace this vision of my future.  And I find it very comforting. 

Blessed Be. 

Tattoos to Honor the Self

The people in my mundane community are mostly conservative, lower middle-class, blue-collar, rural, with High School educations.  They struggle.  They look like me and, when they see me, they assume that I share their world view.  The Witches in this area mostly exercise discretion, as does the LGTBQ community, the Leather and Kink and Poly communities, and even the Socially and Politically Liberal community. 

Some days it is a challenge to be at work where my customers and co-workers feel free to speak about their politics.  I am honest with my employers and co-workers about my religion and my identity as a Queer, Poly person (although my kink tendencies are something I keep private in this situation) I also do not believe that a bank is an appropriate place to give voice to religious, social, or political ideas. At times, I become very annoyed, and irritated by the ignorance and delusions I hear, it wears on a person. 

But I cannot see them as my enemies.  They are human beings struggling to get by.  They are sleep-walkers suffering from soul-sickness, as so many in our society are.  They deserve my pity, not my hatred.  I need to remind myself of this truth often these days. 

And every now and then, I need to do something to remind myself of who I truly am.  The past few days I received 3 new tattoos.  One to honor my Brothers, both my younger brother, whom we lost this past summer, and my older brother whom I love and cherish.  The other two honor Spirit Allies, Bear and Wolf.   There will be more in the future.  It helps me, to look less like my neighbors, and to see the ink upon my skin, to remember who I am, and what I truly believe. 

Those who are asleep, ignorant, delusional, and blind, those who are arrogant, power hungry and manipulative, those who speak untruths with impunity, those who would do harm, may not be my Enemies but, they are not my Community, my Family, or my Tribe. 

I can do many things to positively affect the future.  There are many ways that I can be open and use my voice to speak Truth and to support others as they too speak and resist and fight the good fight.  I believe in peaceful resistance, in Magick and in Prayer.  I believe in the Truth against the World, Heart to Heart, Shout above the Shouting, until there is Peace.

I have spent a great deal of time considering how I might contribute to the work of making things better.  I believe that being more open in my mundane community and actively serving the Earth, and the humans I share this Earth with, is a good place to start.  Praying and doing Magick to heal, awaken, and re-enchant the world are actions that I can commit to.

Encouraging others to resist, letting them know that they are not alone, and supporting them in that work are also actions that I can sustain.  Letting my elected representatives know how I expect them to represent me and my issues is also my duty as a citizen. 

I will remember who I am, and I will remember my purpose, and I will do those things that I can do to make things better.  So Mote It Be!

A Fire Breathing Dragon and a Sword of Truth

I have been doing a great deal of work recently in identifying who and what I am outside of a sexual, romantic, or familial context.  Specifically, I have been exploring how my identity relates to my religious calling of service and my work in the world.

I am a writer.  But what do I hope to accomplish by my writing?  What do I value above everything else?  What we value can help us define who we are and help us to focus on our purpose, and how we hope to leave our mark upon this world. 

The way that I identify what is important to me is by examining that which moves me, what my heart reacts to most strongly.  In many ways these are things that have an impact upon those whom I love.  What kind of world do I want for my children, for my grand-daughter, and those who will follow her?

My heart cries out for Peace, I want Peace for the world that she will inherit.  Peace is better for growing things and small children, and for the rest of us, truth be told.   But peace without Liberty to be true to one’s ’self is not truly Peace, but rather oppression.  So Liberty and Peace.  I want her to be free to be all of who she is.  I want Love for her too, and the freedom to express her love in whatever way is true for her. 

So what do we do to create the world we want for our children and grand-children? What do I do to create a world where all our children will be safe and free to love whom they will, to be whomever they will?  How do we create Peace?

I believe the world is able to heal, I believe that Love and Peace and Liberty are possible.  But I believe that this can only happen if we work for these things.  I do so by telling stories that share visions of other people’s experience, that make it possible for us to see through each others’ eyes and thereby find compassion and understanding.  We heal the world through stories, through Love and Peace and compassion.   

We also heal the world through magick, by Re-enchanting the World.   The World needs more Magick and Enchantment.  I contribute to this by leading and serving my Coven, by serving my Tradition and my community.  I help by supporting others in finding healing and transformation, to find their own power and wisdom.  I do this by invoking my Gods to keep them alive in this world.  I do this through poetry and ritual and serving my ancestors.

But most of all, I do this by speaking Truth, whenever I see it, heart to heart, shouting above the shouting, Truth against the World, until there is Peace and Liberty and Love.  I am a champion of Hope, a warrior of Peace and Liberty.  I am a dragon, breathing the fire of Truth, and a Sword upon whom the words are written, the Truth against the World.  Truth can heal us, Truth can bring Peace.  So Mote It Be.

Changes...

I am 50 years old.  From my perspective, this is only the beginning of a stage in my life that I would like to look forward to with excitement and a sense of adventure.  But while I choose to be optimistic about the future, there are things about which I feel some trepidation.

 My body has changed a lot in the past year.  It no longer feels like the same body I have been living with my entire life.  It no longer feels like the body I had a year ago.  My bones have changed, my muscles have changed.  I see slight differences when I look in the mirror. I no longer have a sense of strength and confidence in my body’s ability to handle accidents, injury, illness, or digging out from snow storms.  And sometimes I wonder how and when my body will lose its desire for sexual expression, and when my lovers will lose their desire for me.  There are moments when I am afraid of getting older, and times when I am afraid that I will not have the time or the energy I need to do the things I desire to do in this lifetime.

I want to go forward into the next 43 years strong and fearless, but I will admit to moments of fear and I will admit to moments of feeling week and vulnerable.  Perhaps these moments exist to give me the opportunity to understand a point of view I have never had before…

on becoming...

I am in the process of deconstructing the structures and patterns of behavior and function that I have built and used through most of my life.  I am returning to the core of my being, returning to the child and her gifts, talents, and joys, to the truth of who I was, and who I am. 

The process is painful and, without the tools that I have used for decades, panic and depression are more difficult to keep at bay.  The new skills that I am learning are less familiar.  They require practice to remember and to use and, I have not yet developed grace.

I have a vision of who I wish to become but, the path to becoming is a mystery to me still.

So I continue to consciously reject the old patterns of behavior, I continue to learn new skills and to practice them.  I continue to remember who I am in truth.  I continue to remember the vision of who I hope to become.  

May my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies bless me in this work.   So Mote It Be.

on silence and healing

I don’t do silence very well anymore.  It feels too much like compliance, like hiding.  It feels too much like the smiles my mother always wanted, like lies of omission so as not to make everyone else uneasy, like secrets that poison the soul.  Silence feels like pretending to be small, timid and weak.  

Anger is a natural emotion and when given appropriate expression it can be resolved.  Being silent about that emotion can twist it into something else, rage. And silent rage can twist into depression or, worse into violence, uncontrolled, directed inward or outward.

Grief and sorrow are human experiences and they heal with time and expression, but in silence they can linger and become chronic and persistent. 

Pain is a normal part of life, but it is only a part, it is not all of what we are here to experience.  Pain is temporary, but unless it is given a voice it can become a festering wound that infects the entire being.

Fear is also a common experience.  And it is my experience that if I am silent in my fear it holds much greater power over my soul.  If I can voice those fears and look at them in the bright light of day, they become less large, less powerful and I can choose to act with conscious choice rather than being paralyzed by my fears.

Joy, Love, Faith, Hope and Truth are the most powerful gifts a human can experience, in my opinion.  And these too require expression.  If we are silent in these blessings, if we are silent about our gratitude, if we are silent about those things that inspire us, we fail to honor and nurture those gifts, we fail to make room for them to manifest in our lives. 

It is not my nature to be silent.  I have spent many years living against my own nature.  Silence becomes a habit and when that habit has taken root too deeply it can take a lot of work to remove it.  I am working to live a less silent life, and I believe that life will be a healthy and a happy one.

Fear no longer rules my mind

Grief no longer chokes me

Rage no longer rules my heart

and Pain no longer wounds me

Hope and Joy and Faith and Love

These things shall now replace them

By Sun and Moon and Stars above

My Spirit now reclaims them.