The Grandmother Shawl

 

For a while now I have been a little anxious about the idea that I will become “a little old lady”, eventually.   I lacked a clear vision of my role in my own life going forward into the future.    

I bought a shawl, because I liked it and it called to me.  A friend (who is a generation older than I) said it looked like a hug from a grandmother.  I agreed, but my mind responded, “and that would be me.”

I began to think about the image that I hold of the “little old lady,” the grandmother.  Not my grandmothers, nor my own mother but, the archetype, the Goddess as Grandmother.

I was surprised to discover that the image I hold is one that I find beautiful.  Yes, she is soft and round, yes, she is gray and pale, yes, she is not as strong or limber as a young woman but, she is also resilient, and steadfast.  She is comforting and loving and fierce. 

She knows herself, and how to hold space for those she loves.  She has wisdom born from personal experience and can offer sound guidance and support.  She knows how to listen and how to teach others to stand in their own power.  And she knows how to stand in hers.

She is not overtly sexual in the way that our society thinks of the sexual woman but, she has sexual power that arises from her understanding of her own desires and her lack of shame in enjoying the sensual, physical pleasure that she can offer to her lovers.  I had worried a little that my lovers might no longer feel sexual desire for me when I indeed become this “grandmother” but, I find this image to be intriguing and mysterious, and yes, desirable.  If I find this image desirable, I trust that they will as well.  the need for love is not exclusive to the young.  The gifts of love, sex, pleasure and healing are not only to be found in the young either.

So this shawl holds the vision, of the woman I am becoming, the woman I look forward to becoming, the woman I already am.  And I wrap it around myself when I need a hug from the Grandmother, or to embrace this vision of my future.  And I find it very comforting. 

Blessed Be. 

a gift received in the Temple of Love...

“We are Beauty and we are Darkness…

We are Light and we are Change”   T Thorne Coyle

I am Inspiration in the form of a Dragon!

I am a Dragon in the form of a Woman…

I am a Woman in the form of a Shaman…

I am a Shaman in the form of a Witch...

I am a Witch in the form of a Priestess…

I am a Priestess in the form of a Goddess…

I am a Goddess in the form of a Dragon…

I am Beautiful in All my Forms!

“In the Temple of Love,

I sing from the Water that Flows through my Heart,

…Longing and Belonging…”  Baltimore Reclaiming Ritual, Sacred Space, March 11^th, 2017

Heart Wide Open…

Part of knowing yourself is understanding your anatomy and physiology.  That is to say, knowing our Parts and understanding how they function.  While it helps to have a basic understanding of our physical bodies, understanding our energetic anatomy and physiology is equally important.  We are not just physical bodies, we are also minds, hearts, souls, and shadows.

I have been learning about all my parts (including my body) for quite a while now, and I have become acutely aware of a particular truth about how my Magickal Self functions. Specifically, I have become aware that when my heart is not open, my magick is impotent.  I still have knowledge, and I even retain access to communication, my mind still works but, I have no access to my power.  I cannot FEEL.  I cannot feel inspiration, or imagination, or desire, or passion, or pleasure, or joy, or sorrow, or anger, or love, or power.  When the gate of my heart is closed, I am not fully awake, or alive. 

My Heart is the gateway to those other parts of me, the ones that are essential to life and to magick.  All my parts must be engaged for me to live and to fulfill my purpose.  I cannot bypass my heart.  In these past few years, I have come to know how wonderful life can be when my heart is open.  It is WHO I am.  I am supposed to be a woman who lives life with her heart wide open.  That is who I was always supposed to be.  I have rediscovered that woman and remembered her over these past years.  It is my intention to live that life, inspired, empowered, and following my open heart.  So Mote it Be.

Exploring Masculine Gender...

I am a woman, a queer woman but, a woman nonetheless.  Yet there are parts of me that are masculine in nature, that express the Divine Masculine within me.  The Teacher, the Healer and, the Poet to name a few.  I worship the Masculine God with as much devotion as I do the Feminine Goddess.  I find myself more strongly connected to my male ancestors and to my father’s bloodline but, I will never be a man in this lifetime.  

I study theories on male identity and psychology to better understand and relate to, to better serve, and love the men in my life.  I have a father, brothers (one passed on and one living) a son, a nephew, friends, lovers, housemates, coven-mates, tradition-mates, teachers, priests and elders.  I may someday have grandsons.  I want to support them and understand them as much as I am capable of. 

When I was a child, I hated wearing my brother’s hand-me-downs.  I hated having short hair.  But as a grown woman, I have become curious about just how it might feel to experience the world as someone of the male gender.   How does it feel to walk about in the world as a man?  How does it differ from the power I have as a woman?  How does the world treat a man differently from the way it treats me? 

I am considering an experiment, and a few of the men in my life, including a lover, are supportive of the idea.  I am going to find men’s clothing that fits and suits me, and we are going to go out into the world together, so that I can find out how it feels.  I find myself surprisingly excited to have this experience.  And deeply grateful for these precious companions and their unreserved support.

I will let you know how it goes. 

Adventures are good, new experiences are good, gaining better understanding of the men in my life is good, learning more about myself and the world is good too.

Love, Loss, Disapproval, and Reclaiming Self

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly.  The thing is that while I loved him, he disapproved of almost everything about me. (and what he did not know about me, he would have disapproved of even more) I have spent a good part of my life trying to be someone he would like.  Most of my people-pleasing behaviors were an attempt to be who he wanted me to be, and a lot of my anxiety, and belief that I was not “good enough“, was based upon his disapproval.

Spending the better part of the week after his death with my family brought on a resurgence of those feelings, and those patterns of behavior reasserted themselves with a vengeance.  It has been a challenge to let go of those behaviors, to recognize those feelings and release those anxieties.   My grief has also been accompanied by the conflict that existed between us and my feelings about that conflict.

The loss of my younger brother has caused me to reexamine my relationships with the other members of my family who remain, and my presence in the world.  I have also been challenged to remember all of the work I have done in these past years to discover my true Self, but most of all, to remember that Self. 

All of that work means nothing if I cannot remember my true Self in this grief.  It is not perfection that must be achieved but, integrity.  I am a strong, loving, capable woman who serves my beloveds well.   I am a woman who has a noble purpose that I serve with honor, courage and integrity.  And while my brother was a good man, whom I loved, he was wrong about my value and my worth. 

 Loving my family, does not require that I agree with them.  I will grieve him and love them even as I remember my true Self.  So Mote It Be.

Queer

I have learned a lot about myself in the time since I began this exploration.  I began not knowing anything about where this journey would lead me.  The journey has had more than one unexpected turn and many uncomfortable and uneasy moments.  But I have indeed found a place where I know who I am and I am comfortable with all of who I am.

I have also discovered one word that feels right to describe my gender, sexuality and relationships.  Queer is not a word that the world at large would associate with me but, from my perspective, it is the one word that feels correct.

I am a cis-gendered female however; I do not feel that accurately describes my experience of gender.  Through this journey I have come to recognize that I have moments in my life when I prefer to express  female gender and times when I prefer to express male gender but, I no longer feel that binary definitions accurately express the truth of who I am. 

I am not truly hetero-normative in my sexuality either.  I have found that I am sexually drawn to people regardless of gender. My attraction is dependent upon the person and has no recognizable connection to any gender, or to defined gender.

I am polyamorous but in a structure that is not easily recognized.  I do not have primary or secondary relationships.  I do have committed relationships.  I love who I love, and I am committed to those whom I love.   I am loyal to those whom I love.  Each of my relationships is unique, as are each of my beloveds.  Gender, age, sexual identity, and sexual expression do not determine whom I love.

In my sexual expression, I am a switch.  I enjoy different experiences, many of which are seemingly contradictory, sometimes with the same partner.  I do not desire to be constrained by one role, or someone else’s narrow definition of any one form of expression.

Queer is a word that defies definition.  It is the one word that simply says “cannot be defined or constrained by definition.”   I like the word.  I claim the word.  It feels true, and more comfortable that any other.   I am queer and I am happy.

Changes...

I am 50 years old.  From my perspective, this is only the beginning of a stage in my life that I would like to look forward to with excitement and a sense of adventure.  But while I choose to be optimistic about the future, there are things about which I feel some trepidation.

 My body has changed a lot in the past year.  It no longer feels like the same body I have been living with my entire life.  It no longer feels like the body I had a year ago.  My bones have changed, my muscles have changed.  I see slight differences when I look in the mirror. I no longer have a sense of strength and confidence in my body’s ability to handle accidents, injury, illness, or digging out from snow storms.  And sometimes I wonder how and when my body will lose its desire for sexual expression, and when my lovers will lose their desire for me.  There are moments when I am afraid of getting older, and times when I am afraid that I will not have the time or the energy I need to do the things I desire to do in this lifetime.

I want to go forward into the next 43 years strong and fearless, but I will admit to moments of fear and I will admit to moments of feeling week and vulnerable.  Perhaps these moments exist to give me the opportunity to understand a point of view I have never had before…

some thoughts on Love

Love is the highest form of human expression that I can imagine.  To love is to express the highest form of my own humanity.  So how I love is an expression of my identity. 

How I love expresses my gender, my sexuality, my spirituality.  I believe that loving others is an essential part of my purpose in this lifetime…perhaps in every lifetime.

The ones that I love, my beloveds, are not all human, though most of them are.  The forms of love are as diverse as my beloveds.

My love for my companion (the feline with whom I share our home) takes the form of caring for his needs, and considering how my magick, or adventures, will affect him. If I will be gone from my home for any length of time, I need to arrange to have another person (whom he trusts) to care for him.  When I do magick for our home, I need to consider the impact upon his ability to journey (on the astral) and his feelings about who may enter our home (both seen and unseen).  I need to make time to spend with him cuddling and playing and of course providing him with a clean, warm and comfortable nest, clean water, good food and mental stimulation.  I care for his needs, for his wellbeing.  That is how I express my love for him.

My love for my children, coven-mates, human family and tribe takes the form of words and actions.  I tell my children that I love them, that they are valued, cherished, beautiful, talented, intelligent people.  I encourage them to follow their own hearts and to believe in themselves.  I support them in their own sovereignty.  I remind them that they can make decisions about their own lives and that they will have my support regardless of my agreement with those decisions.   I also try to teach them not to hide from their own power, not to fear taking risks not to fear making mistakes.  My love for them is not predicated upon the ideal of perfection. 

My love for my lovers is according to their needs and mine.  I love their strengths and their shadows.  I love them in their weakness and in mine.  And if one of us should make a mistake, it is forgiven.  Love is not earned.  Love does not require perfection.  Love is given and accepted in unequal measure beyond all reason.  There is no ledger to balance.  No accounting to make. 

If all I can do is to hold my loved one’s hand or listen to him breathe or purr, then that is what love will do.  If my beloved needs something from me, it is but theirs to ask. 

Love gives according to the need.  It loves the truth of the beloved.  Even love for self.  I cannot hate the weakness in myself if I am to love the weakness in my beloveds.  Love must allow for imperfection and strive for acceptance. 

I have learned only in these past few months what it means to be loved without fear, that I am loved beyond reason.  That making a mistake will not result in rejection and abandonment.  That being weak does not make me unworthy of loving or being loved.  I have learned to stop hating that part of me that is weak.  I have learned to reject the idea that perfection is required.

I am learning to love in truth.  Blessed be.

Emotional Independence...

I have always believed myself to be an emotionally independent person, even to the point of being emotionally unavailable at times…but that may not be as accurate as it once was.

I have,at times in the past, been unavailable, even closed off to emotional intimacy and connection to others.  But I have been learning to change that in these past years. 

I have been learning to trust myself and others; I have been healing and learning to connect, and to feel again.  And I have come to the understanding that I am a very strong person, with a very strong heart.  I do not need to be closed off; I do not need to protect myself or to avoid engaging in emotional connections.

The human heart is an amazing and resilient vessel.  It has an immense capacity for love.  And it is designed to survive repeated heartache (it does not actually break no matter how profound the pain it experiences).  I believe that it expands and its capacity increases each time it survives pain and does not close off or turn to stone.

I have recently come to see that I have formed connections with others in my life and that those connections have an effect upon me.   When my beloveds are under stress, I am effected.  I am relieved to have discovered this, truth be told.   

I have also discovered that I am able to discern the differences between my own feelings and those of my beloveds and I am capable of supporting them in their struggles without interfering with the expansion of their hearts.

I sometimes worry that I may have become emotionally dependent upon my beloveds or that I might foster emotional dependence in those whom I love because, my instincts are to protect my beloved ones from pain, and to wish that I could heal their wounds. I believe that would be a disservice to them, if it were even possible.

I want my beloveds to be whole, and well and strong.  I want them to be self-reliant and not to be dependent upon me or upon anyone else  And I want them to know the blessing of an ever-expanding capacity for love and joy, and the knowledge that they are strong enough to survive heartache and to thrive, and to heal themselves.

This is something that I need to pay attention to, to remain conscious of, because my instinct to protect those I love must sometimes be overridden by my belief, and I want my beloveds to know that, beyond a doubt, I have faith in them and I trust them to survive the pain they feel.  I know they are strong enough to rise up in brilliance above all that they may face. 

It is not difficult to trust in the strength of my beloveds, but sometimes it is difficult to remember that my love is meant to show them how to trust themselves.

May my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies guide me in this and in remembering my own strength.  May They continue to help me to increase my own capacity to love…and to be loved.  So mote it be.

Who is left standing?...

I was asked today “Who is left standing when everyone else has been taken away?”  I have been sitting with this question, through the snowfall, with my Pwca curled up beside me.  (When considering total isolation it is good to have your cat by your side.)

Like many human beings, I have some fear of abandonment.  I am blessed with the knowledge that some of my beloveds would stay beside me no matter what.  But the terror that children have in the years after they become aware of mortality, maintains a hold upon many of us well into adulthood. 

The question of abandonment remains in the shadows, an obstacle to intimacy, and to emotional availability with others and with ourselves.  So the question was posed to me, “Who is left standing when everyone else is taken away?” 

The question seems to have three distinct contexts.  First, who am I if I am completely isolated?  What happens then?  My answer to that question is that I am still here, invisible or not.  But I would lose my purpose in this life. 

My purpose in this lifetime is to leave a mark, to communicate and engage with others.  Without others, I would lose that purpose and I do not enjoy that idea.  That idea would lead me to consider the point of continuing, and for the record, I not only expect to live well into my 90’s, I intend to as well. 

Another context goes to the question of what happens if I cease to exist?  What happens if I actually become invisible because I no longer exist with this mind, heart, body and soul?  The only place I can find to answer this question is in my faith. 

I believe that the soul (along with the heart and mind or consciousness of the person that is me), once the body ends returns to its source in the underworld (and my Patron) and joins with the ancestors to be recycled within the bloodline with others in the same soul-group to assist each other in the process of working out our wyrd. 

The Spirit freed of the individual self, goes on to the Summerland to process the lessons learned in this life and eventually to the Lady of Fate (my Patroness) to choose its next incarnation.  I do not fear this process, I have been through it before and I will embrace it, when the time has come to do so again.

The third context concerns the members of the committee and their purpose.  If each of them were to be taken away, who would be left standing?  Who am I? 

I have been journeying a great deal lately and I have discovered that, at least for the time being, when I arrive on the other side of the threshold, I am myself but, I am the child that I was  with the knowledge that I now possess., and without the “armor” that I have created over the past 4 decades.  And that seems to be the answer.  I am the child that I was.  She is the woman, witch, mother, priestess, switch, adventurer, romantic and poet that I have always been.    

The child is the one “who is left standing” when everyone else is taken away.  She is the truth and the best of me.

on silence and healing

I don’t do silence very well anymore.  It feels too much like compliance, like hiding.  It feels too much like the smiles my mother always wanted, like lies of omission so as not to make everyone else uneasy, like secrets that poison the soul.  Silence feels like pretending to be small, timid and weak.  

Anger is a natural emotion and when given appropriate expression it can be resolved.  Being silent about that emotion can twist it into something else, rage. And silent rage can twist into depression or, worse into violence, uncontrolled, directed inward or outward.

Grief and sorrow are human experiences and they heal with time and expression, but in silence they can linger and become chronic and persistent. 

Pain is a normal part of life, but it is only a part, it is not all of what we are here to experience.  Pain is temporary, but unless it is given a voice it can become a festering wound that infects the entire being.

Fear is also a common experience.  And it is my experience that if I am silent in my fear it holds much greater power over my soul.  If I can voice those fears and look at them in the bright light of day, they become less large, less powerful and I can choose to act with conscious choice rather than being paralyzed by my fears.

Joy, Love, Faith, Hope and Truth are the most powerful gifts a human can experience, in my opinion.  And these too require expression.  If we are silent in these blessings, if we are silent about our gratitude, if we are silent about those things that inspire us, we fail to honor and nurture those gifts, we fail to make room for them to manifest in our lives. 

It is not my nature to be silent.  I have spent many years living against my own nature.  Silence becomes a habit and when that habit has taken root too deeply it can take a lot of work to remove it.  I am working to live a less silent life, and I believe that life will be a healthy and a happy one.

Fear no longer rules my mind

Grief no longer chokes me

Rage no longer rules my heart

and Pain no longer wounds me

Hope and Joy and Faith and Love

These things shall now replace them

By Sun and Moon and Stars above

My Spirit now reclaims them.

shadow work and the mystery that is Love...

Shadow work is messy, and ugly and frightening and painful and, in my opinion necessary if one is to evolve. But my own shadow work was not the original intention of this blog, although my exploration of gender, sexuality and identity has most definitely resulted in that work. 

I have reached a point in this process where I need the assistance of someone who has a better understanding of shadow and who can help me to do the work to heal “Pluto’s child” as well as to find healthy ways to allow the “Other” to be expressed.  

Most of the impulses of the Other are not necessary (nor are those behaviors acceptable to me, not do I allow them to be indulged) but some parts of her must be allowed to exist because, Anger, Fear, Pain and Rebellion are normal and necessary experiences for a human being. 

I hope to learn healthy ways to experience those things and to finally put the thoughts that do not serve our higher good to rest.  I had successfully lived for two decades without having those thoughts and I will again, but this time it will be because I did the work to resolve them and not because I shut everything down.

I also find myself in a place on my journey where my exploration of my sexuality has become secondary to my exploration of Love.  Love is the greater question for me, the greater mystery.   And a mystery I find to be of great importance.

And so, this blog will be refocused on other questions of identity, questions of gender expression and Love.  Thank you for walking with me.  I hope you will find the mystery as valuable as I do.  Blessed Be.

Needs

There are many needs that are common to human beings.  The needs for shelter, warmth, security, food and water and air.  The needs for sensory and intellectual stimulation and self expression.  The need for emotional and physical engagement with others.  These are necessary for healthy bodies, minds, hearts and souls.

I have become aware that I have certain needs and that I must find ways to meet those needs if I am to live a life that is productive and healthy. 

I need my car because I need my job because I need my home.  I need Air to breathe and Water to drink and to clean both my body and my home.  I need to eat to keep my body healthy.  I need my Pwca, my Family, my Friends and my Community.  I need my Gods and my Ancestors and my Allies.  I need to write.  I need to practice massage.  I need to sing and to journey.  I need to make love and I need sex.

I have lovers with whom I engage both emotionally and sexually and making love with them fulfills important needs.  But those lovers do not engage with me in the way that my friend did because it is not an inherent part of who they are. 

Engaging with my friend not only allowed me to discover specific needs but to meet them.  And now I need to find other avenues to fulfill those specific needs.

I have taken a new lover with whom I am engaging and we are exploring our mutual enjoyment of certain experiences together.  We are still working it out but, we both enjoy the energy that we raise when we engage with each other.  I need these things and I am enjoying this new exploration.

I am hopeful that I will eventually find an avenue for the one need that is unfulfilled since my friend and I ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, my need to submit. 

I need the catalyst of someone with whom I feel safe enough and, whom I trust enough and, who is strong enough, to push me to release my control, to allow my mind and heart and body to let go of their hold on my soul.  The freedom I find in those moments to go deeper into myself and, not to leave my body in an escape but, to dive deeper into my shadows and the depths of my own abyss.  I need that release. I need to go to that place to lay bare the dark faces and to bring their voices up from the silence. I need the safety of someone whom I trust to see those faces, to hear those voices.  Someone who enjoys holding me while I cry, who takes pleasure in my sobs and who enjoys helping me regain my strength and autonomy.

I need someone who enjoys pushing me to that place without words.  I can get there on my own, sometimes, through other means.  Through fasting and sleep deprivation and physical trial but, the results are not quite the same and the act of surrendering that control to another, and sharing those tears and secrets with another, is not present in those moments.  That need by definition requires the presence of another human being.

The need is not an everyday kind of thing but, it is a need that I must meet, or a part of me may slip away forever and I am not willing to allow that to happen.  It would mean giving up a part of my own magick and power and I have work to do.  I need all of my Self if I am to accomplish my purpose.  

the shadow child and her body

The shadow child will not write.  And I cannot write while she is speaking to me.  I tried to invoke her the other night, for the first time I invoked her by choice but, I had to stop because it hurt too much.  The pain in my chest made it too difficult to breathe and I knew that if I chose to go any further it would be a very long dark night.  I am not afraid of the work or the pain but, I have a job and self-induced fatigue is not a responsible decision.  

I will do that work when I can do so without time constraints and I will borrow a recorder and try to invoke her to use her voice or I will give voice to the things that she says in those moments.  It was not an unproductive evening however, I did gain some understanding and insights that I had not previously possessed.

 She has a great many fears, many things that anger her and, a lot of irrational beliefs and I will be working with her about those feelings and those beliefs but, the insight I gained the other night was about her feelings concerning our body. 

 She is conflicted in her feelings about our body.  She hates it because she sees it as the only thing that anyone wants from us and something that others can use to take from her, yet because she fears being invisible and abandoned she is afraid that no one will ever want it enough to see her and to stay with her..even love her and protect her.  She does not truly trust me to do that, because I was not able to do so at the time.

She has very little control over what we decide to do with our body, and that both angers her and frightens her but,  the one thing that she does have more control over than any other member of the committee is what we eat.

She does not control what we eat entirely.  If she did, we would starve and waste away to nothing, or at the least become very ill.  I have diabetes and I must eat to maintain my health.  Most days I will force myself to eat if I have to because, it is my responsibility to keep this body and this soul together for as long as it takes us to learn what we are here to learn and to accomplish our purpose in this life.  

I have noticed her anger and rebellion when someone comments on what we eat.  People will  joke about what we eat, will offer opinions or advise,  will criticize and ridicule, or take offence when we do not eat what they have spent the time and effort to cook.  I appreciate the love that others show by making food to feed others, including us.  But, no one gets to decide what she puts into her mouth, what she eats.  She will not eat just to please anyone.  She will not eat to be polite.  It is the only control that she has over her body and she will not relinquish it.  She is very stubborn, that is one of her strengths.

I am glad that she has strength of her own…it will help in the work we have ahead of us. 

the "bitch"...

 I am the one who loves the dress.  I am the one who does not show her face.  I am she who still hopes to be loved and valued, to be seen as beautiful, to be wanted, to be seen, to be safe.

I am the one who would love with everything I am.  I am she who would surrender completely to the will of one I trust.  I am she who knows how to trust and how to hope and how to let go.  I am she who cries and the one who wants to be held and be known and be safe.

I am she who wants to please, the one who wants to be told that I have done well, that I am worth wanting, that I am worth having.  I am she who desires to put those I love before myself because I love.   

I am the one who knows the way to the place the others cannot go.

respecting my limits...

I have been crying today.  The empty space is full of sadness and the tears keep overflowing.  I know that I will be better soon but, I am too raw tonight to write with the last two members of the committee.  All of the others are strong in their own ways.  All of them can have conversations and interact, negotiate, even find points of agreement.  But the bitch and Pluto’s child are different.  They are too vulnerable.  To work with them, I need to be in a place of strength.  And that is not where I am tonight.   Tomorrow I will spend the afternoon with my family to celebrate Christmas together.  I will be Nanna and the human mother, aunt, sister, daughter.  My family makes me strong.  My granddaughter is fearless and adventurous.  As a one year old she sets an example for me and reminds me of what matters, of why it is important to brave the difficult places.  I will sleep and then spend a joyous few hours with her and my children.  Then I will have regained my place of strength, and I can and will write with the bitch and the shadow child.   Sometimes we need to know our limits and respect them.  

the Other

I am the Other, the Shadow.  I am anger and rage and pain.  I am aggression and hunger.  I am claws and fangs and the desire to make others hurt.  I am vicious and destructive and ruthless.  I am the one who rejects the rules, I am the outlaw.

I am the one who has been locked away and the dark one behind the lady of sorrows.  I am the predator and the one who knows no compassion.  I am the wild one who shape-shifts and works with deception and stealth.  I am the one who drinks too much and builds boxes and locks things away.

I am the one who would choose the freedom of the open road, and anonymity.  I am the one who wants and will do anything to have what I want.  I am the one who lashes out and leaves others to deal with the consequences.   

I am the one who sacrifices the others and watches from outside our body.  I am the one who burns and the one who cuts and the one who hates. I am the one who does not trust, anyone, ever.  I am the one who never shows fear, or pity, or weakness of any kind.  I am the one who will not scream.

I am the one who will no longer be caged.  I am the one who refuses to surrender, no matter what. I am the one who is learning to find other ways to live.  

the woman...

I am a cis-gendered human woman.  I am daughter, sister, aunt, birth-mother and devoted Nanna to my biological family. I am pagan and pansexual, polyamorous and autonomous.  I am a loyal and devoted friend and lover, if sometimes emotionally unavailable.  I am a talented massage therapist and I am no longer capable of conceiving or bearing a child.

I am a middle aged, middle-class, educated, privileged, suburban white girl who likes dresses and flowers.  I work as a banker to pay the rent and I live alone with my cat. I hate debt of any kind and never again want to own a house. I am helpful to have around in a crisis and, when someone is needed to get things done including the dishes, or if there is a need for a level of organization that borders on OCD.  Or if you need a tour guide to the local thrift stores.

I am a feminist and a registered Libertarian and sympathetic to warriors, revolutionaries, anarchists and mystics. I have a love of architecture and I believe that Libraries are the most sacred institution in any society.  I am a lover of books and fairy-tales, music and dance, football and baseball and boxing, muscle-cars and motorcycles, and poetry.  I am a writer and a poet. 

I love coffee and chocolate and all night diners.  I have a sweet tooth and a strong dislike for just about all vegetables but, just as strong a feeling that it is immoral to throw away food. I have diabetes and scars and tattoos and very little physical grace. I can spend days on end without human contact but, I never drink alone. 

I can daydream anywhere at any time. I sleep in every morning I can and sometimes I stay up all night reading just because I want to.  I love Christmas and, I can fall in love if I allow myself to, and I can survive anything.  

the Switch...

I am a Switch.  I am one who enjoys both sides of the equation.  I enjoy the control of others and of myself.  I enjoy pain and the affects it has on my body and on my mind.  I enjoy the high I get from pain and I enjoy the high that others gain from the pain I am able to give to them.  I enjoy helping others to find the release they desire through the control that I can exercise over them.  I enjoy the control I can exercise over my own body in being able to transform pain into pleasure.  I enjoy the bruises and the pride I take in them and, the victory I feel after, strong and clean and unbroken. 

I enjoy being strong and capable.  I enjoy being good at what I can do.  I enjoy taking care of others and being strong enough to take what they might choose to give to me.  I enjoy the power that is in my control regardless of what “side” I am expressing.  I enjoy the challenge of facing someone stronger than me and showing them and myself that I am as strong as they are both in will and in control. 

I am fierce and strong and unbroken.  I am both Dominant and masochist.  I am a hedonist and I enjoy the experiences…all of them.

the Witch

My name is Awenydd; it means ‘inspired one”.  I am a Witch.  I am a daughter of the Gods and a friend of the Fae, and the human companion to a magickal “feline” named Pwca.  I am she who journeys into the Otherworlds and she who casts spells.  I am the one who draws the Runes and the one who sings.  I am the one who works to change the Wyrd of my bloodline and she who shares relationship with many.  I am she who listens to the fire and to the wind, and to the trees and to the stones, and to the waters. 

I am she who works with the remnants of my past lives and the one who walks in shadow and in light.  I am the one who climbs the stairs in the Tower, and she who walks beneath the Moon.  I am she who sits within the Lodge and the one who stands in the circle with my beloveds and she who gives thanks.  I am the one who listens to the spirit of the tree-house and she who speaks with my ancestors.

I am the one who runs with the Wild God and I am the metal upon Brighid’s anvil.  I am the one who seeks to create and, the one who rides the storm, and she who fills the cauldrons with flames.  I am the one who loves the Goddess and the God in all their forms. 

I am the one who dances with Kali Ma and, the one who stands naked in the moonlight and calls to the Dark Father and, the one who dances in the kitchen with my sisters.  I am she who pursues the creative power of chaos and she who seeks balance.  I am the inspired one and I am blessed.