Queer

I have learned a lot about myself in the time since I began this exploration.  I began not knowing anything about where this journey would lead me.  The journey has had more than one unexpected turn and many uncomfortable and uneasy moments.  But I have indeed found a place where I know who I am and I am comfortable with all of who I am.

I have also discovered one word that feels right to describe my gender, sexuality and relationships.  Queer is not a word that the world at large would associate with me but, from my perspective, it is the one word that feels correct.

I am a cis-gendered female however; I do not feel that accurately describes my experience of gender.  Through this journey I have come to recognize that I have moments in my life when I prefer to express  female gender and times when I prefer to express male gender but, I no longer feel that binary definitions accurately express the truth of who I am. 

I am not truly hetero-normative in my sexuality either.  I have found that I am sexually drawn to people regardless of gender. My attraction is dependent upon the person and has no recognizable connection to any gender, or to defined gender.

I am polyamorous but in a structure that is not easily recognized.  I do not have primary or secondary relationships.  I do have committed relationships.  I love who I love, and I am committed to those whom I love.   I am loyal to those whom I love.  Each of my relationships is unique, as are each of my beloveds.  Gender, age, sexual identity, and sexual expression do not determine whom I love.

In my sexual expression, I am a switch.  I enjoy different experiences, many of which are seemingly contradictory, sometimes with the same partner.  I do not desire to be constrained by one role, or someone else’s narrow definition of any one form of expression.

Queer is a word that defies definition.  It is the one word that simply says “cannot be defined or constrained by definition.”   I like the word.  I claim the word.  It feels true, and more comfortable that any other.   I am queer and I am happy.

on safety, strength, loving and being loved.

I have never in my life felt completely safe with those I loved, with those who loved me.  I have felt that longing, that lacking, for as long as I can remember.  I had not been able to put a word to that feeling until I went to see Monika Lonely Coyote for shamanic healing this past summer.  When she was working on my heart, she gave the word “safe” to the thing I have needed and never had. 

I have been revisiting that need recently.  I have begun working with the Lady Freyja-Vanadis, the Vanir Goddess of Love, Sexuality, War and Death.  It seems that the Lady wishes me to revisit ALL of the memories that I have willfully forgotten in order to resolve them.  The moments when someone whom I loved, someone who loved me, valued someone or something more than they valued me.  The betrayals that I have chosen to forget in order to avoid the conflict of feeling betrayed.  My version of loyalty and unconditional love. 

I have always known that each person I loved, who loved me, valued something or someone more, would always choose that thing or that person before me, that I would always be second to whatever, or whoever that was.  And I have not been wrong. 

The thing about never feeling safe in that way is that, while you can choose to love someone knowing that to be true, trusting them becomes a choice to accept that you will never feel safe.  You will always have to love them from strength that you can never put down.  And that strength becomes very thin, and very heavy, all at the same time. 

The insecurity of that place eventually wears down the strength that you have until you either stop loving and close off or, you become dependent and incapable of loving, only of needing.

The Lady does not seem to find either of those options acceptable, and so I must learn to Love from a place of Trust and Strength, and that requires that I must learn to feel safe.  And so we are revisiting all of the moments that have taught me that I am not safe, in order to resolve them, and to try to learn how to let go of them somehow. 

I have recently come to know …and love…someone who is a catalyst for me in this work.  This person has challenged my belief that I cannot ever feel safe in another’s love.  Like me, this person has other lovers, and like me, they do not struggle with jealousy, but they have shown me love in a way that I have never experienced before.  They protect and care for me in moments of weakness and vulnerability, they accept me and love me unconditionally, they have shown me their loyalty and that they value me.  And they have accepted my care and protection, my loyalty and love, my support and respect.  They have shown me what it is to feel safe.

In that place of Safety, Trust is real, and Strength is real.  Because I can feel safe I can truly feel strong and I can truly love others, for Loving others comes from Strength, from the place of knowing that I can serve them, that because of my ability to trust, and to feel safe, I can return to a place of strength and do what needs to be done, to provide what strength, safety, support and loyalty is needed.   I can put the needs of those I love before my own because, my own needs are met, and I am safe.

the woman...

I am a cis-gendered human woman.  I am daughter, sister, aunt, birth-mother and devoted Nanna to my biological family. I am pagan and pansexual, polyamorous and autonomous.  I am a loyal and devoted friend and lover, if sometimes emotionally unavailable.  I am a talented massage therapist and I am no longer capable of conceiving or bearing a child.

I am a middle aged, middle-class, educated, privileged, suburban white girl who likes dresses and flowers.  I work as a banker to pay the rent and I live alone with my cat. I hate debt of any kind and never again want to own a house. I am helpful to have around in a crisis and, when someone is needed to get things done including the dishes, or if there is a need for a level of organization that borders on OCD.  Or if you need a tour guide to the local thrift stores.

I am a feminist and a registered Libertarian and sympathetic to warriors, revolutionaries, anarchists and mystics. I have a love of architecture and I believe that Libraries are the most sacred institution in any society.  I am a lover of books and fairy-tales, music and dance, football and baseball and boxing, muscle-cars and motorcycles, and poetry.  I am a writer and a poet. 

I love coffee and chocolate and all night diners.  I have a sweet tooth and a strong dislike for just about all vegetables but, just as strong a feeling that it is immoral to throw away food. I have diabetes and scars and tattoos and very little physical grace. I can spend days on end without human contact but, I never drink alone. 

I can daydream anywhere at any time. I sleep in every morning I can and sometimes I stay up all night reading just because I want to.  I love Christmas and, I can fall in love if I allow myself to, and I can survive anything.  

some thoughts on Autonomy

I have conflicting feelings about relationships.  I want very much to fall in love some day.  I believe in love and in sharing your heart with others. I did mention that I am a romantic, didn’t I?  I like having someone to whom to say “Good Morning!” and “Good Night” and “How was your day?”  I like sharing meals sometimes and sharing a bed sometimes.  I enjoy physical and emotional intimacy and intellectual conversation, the sharing of ideas, hopes, dreams, energy, magick and the experiences of this life. I believe that we as a species are not meant to be completely solitary creatures.

But having a place of my own, having time to myself, having the quiet and solitude that I need to think, to dream, to work magick and to write, is necessary for me and I have worked very hard to attain my independence.  I do not want to sacrifice my time alone or to negotiate with someone else to have time and privacy.  I do not want to check with someone else before going to the lake at night to sit beneath the moon or to make plans to sit and talk with someone whom I love who might need my support.

I want a lover in my life…maybe more than one, maybe not.  I believe that relationships should be based on love, respect and a commitment to show up when your beloveds need you. But I do not believe that it is necessary to live with another, to tailor your lives to revolve around each other to the exclusion of your own autonomy.

The image I have of the love I desire is not the one most people assume when they think of a relationship.  But it is the one that fills me with warmth and hope.  It is the thing I long for, still.  I hope someday to be granted the gift of loving another without reservation, without censorship, without restraint and without sacrificing my autonomy.

Some thoughts on Monogamy and Polyamory

Monogamy is the expected ‘norm” in this society.  I had never questioned that, yet it has rarely felt “normal” to me.  I come from a family for which monogamy works.  For my daughter, for my brothers, for my parents, for previous generations (at least from what I can tell), monogamous relationships work.  For many of my friends, who are happy in traditional monogamous relationships, it is a perfectly well functioning paradigm.

I have had a grand total of three such relationships in my life.  Although, the three months when I was eighteen hardly counts and my most recent relationship also does not truly fit the mold because his ex-wife was never emotionally out of the picture.  So I have had one and that did not start out that way.  I met my ex-husband when we were twenty-two years old.  We were friends with benefits for eight years before we moved in together and became exclusive, then engaged, then married.  We were married for fourteen years.  We have been apart for three and a half and we are thankfully still friends but, no longer with benefits, too much water under that bridge to go back. 

In my adolescence and throughout my twenties I was far from celibate but, I did not engage in the traditional relationship construct that is the norm in our society.  I used to think that meant that there was something wrong with me.  I am now reconsidering that perhaps it does not.

Many of my friends are polyamorous.   They have relationships with more than one lover at one time.  Some are married and most are happy.  Being human of course, they are not perfectly blissful at all times but, it does seem to work for them.  I have always believed that love is not a loaf of bread. If I love one person that does not mean that I have less for another. 

One of the things I find uncomfortable about monogamy is that it is so easy to slip into the trap of sacrificing yourself on the altar of the relationship.  The relationship itself becomes more important than the individuals in it.  And it is too easy to slip into the behavior of taking responsibility for your partner’s happiness, rather than your own.

Polyamory has its own potential problems.  My perception of the paradigm originally was that someone was undoubtedly being used, or that jealousy and eventual heartbreak was inevitable.   I have since come to understand that the success of any relationship regardless of its construct is entirely dependent upon the character and commitment of those involved.  All relationships take work, trust, communication and self-awareness.  And of course, Love.