the Switch...

I am a Switch.  I am one who enjoys both sides of the equation.  I enjoy the control of others and of myself.  I enjoy pain and the affects it has on my body and on my mind.  I enjoy the high I get from pain and I enjoy the high that others gain from the pain I am able to give to them.  I enjoy helping others to find the release they desire through the control that I can exercise over them.  I enjoy the control I can exercise over my own body in being able to transform pain into pleasure.  I enjoy the bruises and the pride I take in them and, the victory I feel after, strong and clean and unbroken. 

I enjoy being strong and capable.  I enjoy being good at what I can do.  I enjoy taking care of others and being strong enough to take what they might choose to give to me.  I enjoy the power that is in my control regardless of what “side” I am expressing.  I enjoy the challenge of facing someone stronger than me and showing them and myself that I am as strong as they are both in will and in control. 

I am fierce and strong and unbroken.  I am both Dominant and masochist.  I am a hedonist and I enjoy the experiences…all of them.

The Committee

Pathways by Susan Sedon Boulet

I do not suffer from dissosiative identity disorder however, compartmentalization is a natural part of how I function. It does pose a challenge in areas where it creates obstacles to emotional involvement or, to engaging all of myself in certain processes, especially magickal ones.  I am actively working to overcome those obstacles in those areas of my life.  This includes how they affect my identity and my ability to live with integrity.

I am becoming familiar with the many different people who live within this body…I would call it my body but, it is truly our body…it belongs to each of us.  Each of us has desires.  Each of us has only this body to fulfill those desires, to experience that which she craves, to express who she is and how she loves.  Complete integration does not seem to be truly possible, or ideal for that matter, because someone would have to be sacrificed, suppressed or silenced, and we have been doing that for far too many years already. 

We have been communicating with each other and we have been attempting to express our various desires, to find common ground and to establish boundaries that we can agree upon when those desires are in direct conflict with each other.  It has been important to recognize that each of us has a distinct voice and deserves to be heard and to be allowed to express herself and her desires without being sublimated to another.

Sometimes more than one of us desires to engage and, while some of us can engage simultaneously if our natures are similar enough, some of us are too different to do so and a choice must be made.  We are learning to negotiate those choices so that no one goes hungry to the point of rebellion. 

Rebellion is generally counter-productive and results in destructive behavior.  We have been working and conversing for many long nights over these past months to establish agreement so that we can live with integrity, for each of us and, for all of us.

I will be sharing the poetry and expressions of these various persons/parts of me, on this blog over the next few weeks or months.  For now I will simply “name” them, the mother, the witch, the priestess, the bitch, the woman, the switch and the other. 

We greet you, Merry Meet, Hail and Welcome.

Visions of the Ideal Self

This past weekend I attended the Sacred Space Conference for the first time.  It was a wonderful experience and I have come away with much to process and integrate.  The tone of the conference was set for me in the first class that I attended, “The role of the Ego in Spiritual Evolution” with James Dickenson, a cherished friend and High Priest of my Tradition. 

I have never before had the opportunity to experience Jim as a teacher due to his living and serving more than 3 hours from where I live and I was looking forward to it with great anticipation.  I was not disappointed, Jim gave me much to consider.  He does not ask rhetorical questions but he does ask questions that make those present dig for the foundational beliefs they hold about the subject at hand. 

The answers offered by many helped me to be more aware of the diversity of thought on the subject and by noting my reactions to them I came to understand my own beliefs on the matter with more clarity.  James also offered his own position which he expressed with more grace than I am able to as yet but, which gave me an articulate model to refine my own.  I find it interesting that his expressed experience of the class was much more critical than mine.

In a nut-shell, the Ego is that self-aware part of us whose function it is to assist us in living up to our Ideal Self.  This exploration of identity is indeed a search to realize my ideal self, to refine and clarify it, and with the recent changes in my life I find I need to seek vision of who it is that I wish to become.

The classes and workshops and rituals I was able to attend, and the social interactions with beloveds as well as with new friends and acquaintances, taught me much about who I am and how I function and how those things might have changed over the past 48 years and how they might yet change as I step forward into an ever-changing vision of my Self.

Indeed I was granted visions of who I am to become.  Not flat images, but rather multi-dimensional experiences of who I am to be as a woman, priestess, lover, dreamer and human being.  

I give thanks for the teachers and beloveds and new friends who love me for who I am now, and who help me to see where I wish to go, and how I might get there, and who walk with me on the journey.

Desires

There are many facets to desire. Humans are complex and complicated beings. I do not believe that anyone is truly one dimensional in what attracts, excites and arouses them.  I have spent a good deal of time recently learning about many different ways that other people find that allusive jewel.  I have been reading about others’ experiences, discussing with others how the mystery of sexual desire functions for them, even asking questions and discussing ideas about which I am curious.

I have realized that my desires are not simple.  Sometimes they are conflicting even to the point of paradox.  And I am beginning to understand that is a paradox to be celebrated, a mystery to be enjoyed and explored.  I do not have to forsake any of my desires for any other.  I can explore each and every one of them in excruciating detail. 

I still have a very painful stutter when discussing some of the more extreme desires that I have yet to actually experience.  They are not my only desires, but the fact that I have such difficulty articulating them bestows them with immense power to my thinking.  That the simple act of giving voice to them, putting them into language, is such a struggle  (for one who loves words as much as I do) suggests a great deal of meaning and power.

Perhaps it is the fear of judgment, or the fear of being misunderstood.  Truth be told, some of those desires could be misinterpreted, and indeed have been by some of the people I love and respect.  Specifically the desire to submit to someone else’s will, either by acceptance or by physical “force”, seems to invoke in many the idea of being victimized.  The desire to explore pain or fire or blood, seems to invoke concerns about my mental and emotional health and physical safety. 

Perhaps it is the fear of those desires themselves that instills them with such power. Fear is an amazing and profound emotion and the source of great strength.  I have spent much time reading and learning and exploring intellectually, soon it will be time to actually go out and discover what it all might mean.  When I do, it might be in fear but, it will not be in shame.

some thoughts on Autonomy

I have conflicting feelings about relationships.  I want very much to fall in love some day.  I believe in love and in sharing your heart with others. I did mention that I am a romantic, didn’t I?  I like having someone to whom to say “Good Morning!” and “Good Night” and “How was your day?”  I like sharing meals sometimes and sharing a bed sometimes.  I enjoy physical and emotional intimacy and intellectual conversation, the sharing of ideas, hopes, dreams, energy, magick and the experiences of this life. I believe that we as a species are not meant to be completely solitary creatures.

But having a place of my own, having time to myself, having the quiet and solitude that I need to think, to dream, to work magick and to write, is necessary for me and I have worked very hard to attain my independence.  I do not want to sacrifice my time alone or to negotiate with someone else to have time and privacy.  I do not want to check with someone else before going to the lake at night to sit beneath the moon or to make plans to sit and talk with someone whom I love who might need my support.

I want a lover in my life…maybe more than one, maybe not.  I believe that relationships should be based on love, respect and a commitment to show up when your beloveds need you. But I do not believe that it is necessary to live with another, to tailor your lives to revolve around each other to the exclusion of your own autonomy.

The image I have of the love I desire is not the one most people assume when they think of a relationship.  But it is the one that fills me with warmth and hope.  It is the thing I long for, still.  I hope someday to be granted the gift of loving another without reservation, without censorship, without restraint and without sacrificing my autonomy.

the false self

There is a small dark thing that pretends to be a part of me that I refuse to allow license.  That is because it is a false face that turns my nature upside down to hide my true desires.  It is a distortion, and a mask.  It is a sadistic thing that revels in inflicting damage.  Not simple physical pain but, physical, mental, emotional, and psychological damage.  It delights in utter destruction on every level including the destruction of myself.  It is not a true part of me but one that has, in my past, asserted its illegitimate authority to hide the true nature of my desires.  In truth, it is a liar and I believe, the ill-formed and in-human, still-born product of fear. 

I am not judging those who have a sadistic or dominant or predatory nature.  From what I have read and learned in my intellectual studies of the nature of those who identify as Sadist, the infliction of mental, emotional and psychological pain or, damage of any kind, is an abhorrent perversion to them.  Just as true non-consent (rape) is considered an evil thing not to be tolerated.  In much of the writings I have found, even the idea of not having a “safe-word” is completely unacceptable as it is considered too dangerous to all parties.  Burning someone or actually cutting someone and causing them to bleed is also considered to be beyond the “safe, sane and consensual” standard of practice.  We have done much as a society to control or even “eliminate” the predator within the human psyche.

I have been exploring these ideas intellectually.  I have been reading and learning about other people’s feelings about them and about the rules that are insisted upon in the community that explores these experiences.  I have even done some physical and purely scientific (solitary) exploration of certain factors.  Solitary exploration has been less helpful that actual discussion and discussion has taken quite a bit of work. It took some struggle to even speak about these things with people I trust.  I am not accustomed to having to fight so hard to articulate my thoughts on any subject and this in itself has been a learning experience. 

I have, in the past, indulged in chemically induced oblivion, and chemically induced arousal.  I have, in the past, cut myself and burned myself to feel physical sensation and to explore my reactions to it.  I have enjoyed receiving tattoos and my reactions to the stimulus of the pain involved in that experience.  I have also experienced disassociation and “out of body” experiences during sexual situations where I panicked but was not capable of “escaping”.

If I am to truly discover anything about myself; it will require that I actually engage with someone who is not afraid to push me and not back down, someone who has made friends with their “inner predator “as it were.

Many would judge the desires that I hope to explore as perversions but, true desire is not perversion, it is the false self that is truly perverse.

I desire to experience pain and to discover my own responses to that experience, to experience violence, to experience the hand at my throat and submission to another’s control, to know how it feels to submit, and to discover how it feels to struggle against the predator and to fight the panic and force myself to remain in my body and not to watch from overhead, not to disassociate from my body but, to stay present and experience without the escape.

I wish to explore these desires because, that false self has tried so hard to hide them from me, and because I believe that our fears, our secrets and desires hold the keys to our greatest truth, our greatest self and out greatest power.

exploring the dreams...

There was a moment during my second degree initiation ritual when the Dark God, the Sage, placed his hands around my neck.  He held me there, for what seemed like forever.  Thinking back on it now, it may have been the only time during most of the ritual when I was in contact with anyone but the house. 

The reason I mention this is, that moment caused some unexpected reactions.  It was intended to frighten me, to elicit an adrenaline spike, to heighten my senses.  Adrenaline can become any emotion that a human being is capable of experiencing.  That was the intended result.  And it was successful in that it did result in the release of adrenaline; it did heighten my perceptions. 

But that was not the only result.  I also became sexually aroused.  I have only spoken about this with one other person until now because, I find it rather disturbing.  My mind tells me that reaction was inappropriate.  There was nothing inherently sexual about the ritual.  That I reacted that way is confusing to me, being someone for whom sexual arousal is a rather rare occurrence, at least until recently.

But my body keeps reminding my mind of that moment, of that reaction.  I keep coming back to that moment and to that feeling.  In my most erotic dreams, there is a hand at my throat.  It is usually the hand of someone I trust and it is never threatening but it is always arousing.

Other images and sensations reoccur often as well, a blade piercing my skin, a trickle of blood, my back against a wall.  My logical mind, the one that tells me to conform to the rules, tells me that this is an aberration.  But do any rules really apply when it comes to the instinct of sexual arousal?   I feel a bit exposed revealing these thoughts.  That I find these ideas to be more arousing than frightening seems to me to be the kind of thing one keeps to oneself for fear or shame.  But I vowed that I would not look away and so I will not. 

I will continue to explore the images and the dreams.  There is more to explore in the inner world before stepping out into the real world.  

The Parts of Self

The parts of my Self experience the world in different ways.  My mind, my intellect, appreciates aesthetic beauty and that is easy for me to recognize.  The human form is beautiful in its incredible variety as is the natural world.  I appreciate the beauty of artistic expression, color, light, line and movement.  There are so many beautiful sights, sounds, tastes, smells, textures, thoughts, and language.   A beautiful woman, a beautiful man, is a joy to behold.  I experience these through my physical senses and appreciate them with my mental self.

This appreciation might then become an emotional experience.  It might elicit an emotional response.  This is also relatively easy to recognize.  Even when it turns back upon my body, returns to a physical experience, a visceral reaction.  It is still an aesthetic appreciation.  The human form is aesthetically beautiful.  I have a mental and intellectual appreciation for that beauty.  It may on occasion become an emotional or visceral experience but that is not a sexual one.

Interacting with another person, one whom I actually know, is another kind of experience.   Generally speaking I experience others through my emotions.  My emotional responses might be affection or repulsion, but they affect how I perceive others.  Those whom I love are beautiful to me.  I experience them through my emotions primarily and I can see the beauty of them more clearly as a result.  I can also see those who are not, no matter how aesthetically pleasing they might be to the world.  My emotional response to someone I care for is real but, it is rarely a sexual one.  While I have experienced a sexual attraction to someone I care for, I have never felt sexual attraction without an emotional connection. 

It is more difficult for me to recognize the difference between emotional and energetic responses.  I believe that the sexual attraction I have felt for a loved one has been due to my energetic response.  The emotional connection has always existed first but, my energetic reactions seem to determine if I respond to my loved ones as mother, sister, friend, daughter or “lover”. 

My energetic response that results in sexual attraction does not seem to be determined by the gender of the other person nor their sexual orientation.   So how do I define my sexual orientation?  I read a definition the other day of a word I have never been exposed to.  Demisexual is somewhere between bisexual and asexual.  Maybe I do not need to actually define it.  I believe that I have primarily heterosexual preferences but, I have found myself at times sexually attracted to a woman whom I know and care for.  I have even had erotic dreams about other women on occasion.  But I do believe that for me, emotional affection and energetic responses are the crucial factors in the equation. 

One of the many things I need to explore is what exactly can take me from sexual attraction to that most elusive state, sexual arousal.  But that is for another day.