Desires

There are many facets to desire. Humans are complex and complicated beings. I do not believe that anyone is truly one dimensional in what attracts, excites and arouses them.  I have spent a good deal of time recently learning about many different ways that other people find that allusive jewel.  I have been reading about others’ experiences, discussing with others how the mystery of sexual desire functions for them, even asking questions and discussing ideas about which I am curious.

I have realized that my desires are not simple.  Sometimes they are conflicting even to the point of paradox.  And I am beginning to understand that is a paradox to be celebrated, a mystery to be enjoyed and explored.  I do not have to forsake any of my desires for any other.  I can explore each and every one of them in excruciating detail. 

I still have a very painful stutter when discussing some of the more extreme desires that I have yet to actually experience.  They are not my only desires, but the fact that I have such difficulty articulating them bestows them with immense power to my thinking.  That the simple act of giving voice to them, putting them into language, is such a struggle  (for one who loves words as much as I do) suggests a great deal of meaning and power.

Perhaps it is the fear of judgment, or the fear of being misunderstood.  Truth be told, some of those desires could be misinterpreted, and indeed have been by some of the people I love and respect.  Specifically the desire to submit to someone else’s will, either by acceptance or by physical “force”, seems to invoke in many the idea of being victimized.  The desire to explore pain or fire or blood, seems to invoke concerns about my mental and emotional health and physical safety. 

Perhaps it is the fear of those desires themselves that instills them with such power. Fear is an amazing and profound emotion and the source of great strength.  I have spent much time reading and learning and exploring intellectually, soon it will be time to actually go out and discover what it all might mean.  When I do, it might be in fear but, it will not be in shame.

on Predators

In my last post I made a comment about how we as a society have done so much to control or even “eliminate” the predator from the human psyche.  That statement felt wrong and has been bothering me all day.  I had thought to correct it through editing but, decided to let the statement remain in its imperfection and expand my thoughts on the subject of predatory nature through a new post.

I have a personal appreciation for the predatory species.  I am drawn to them and feel an affinity for them as well as a great deal of respect and admiration.  My living companion is feline.  One of my totems is a bird of prey.  And I learn from the canine species every time I am privileged to be in proximity to them. 

Most human beings admire predators in the wild, or even live with the “domesticated “siblings of those wild animals.  But many refuse to acknowledge the nature of predators and insist upon projecting upon them gentler and more civilized  qualities as if there was something unacceptable about the predatory instincts of the wild animal.  This human tendency annoys me greatly.

 I believe that we as a species are also predatory by nature.  There are those who have completely rejected the instincts of the predator.  To be honest, I find those particular humans difficult to relate to and to be around.  They have a tendency to bring out the nastier aspects of my personality.  And that is where we come to the statement I had previously made.  We all try to civilize the predatory instincts that we possess.  We do not want to behave as wild animals (although I would still make the argument that in some ways that might actually be an improvement over some of our “civilized” behaviors). 

We invent rules to make us feel less than wild animals.  There are aspects to our predatory nature that need to be channeled in more socially appropriate behaviors.  I will not argue for anarchy or against the rule of law but, I do not think it serves us so well to attempt to ignore or eliminate those aspects of our humanity that give us power and strength.  Our will is a powerful part of our selves.  Instinct is necessary for survival even in the modern world.  The wild inside of us is a great source of vitality and life-force. 

I have a wild nature and I have strong instincts.  I find myself driven to explore those parts of myself.  I desire to engage with the predatory nature of others because my instincts tell me that through such interaction I may come to know my own predatory nature.  But I also feel the need to explore the polarity of the prey.  I need to experience both sides of the relationship. 

Hunger, lust and the drive to express what it is to be alive, these are strong instincts and I will not try to tame them.

The Parts of Self

The parts of my Self experience the world in different ways.  My mind, my intellect, appreciates aesthetic beauty and that is easy for me to recognize.  The human form is beautiful in its incredible variety as is the natural world.  I appreciate the beauty of artistic expression, color, light, line and movement.  There are so many beautiful sights, sounds, tastes, smells, textures, thoughts, and language.   A beautiful woman, a beautiful man, is a joy to behold.  I experience these through my physical senses and appreciate them with my mental self.

This appreciation might then become an emotional experience.  It might elicit an emotional response.  This is also relatively easy to recognize.  Even when it turns back upon my body, returns to a physical experience, a visceral reaction.  It is still an aesthetic appreciation.  The human form is aesthetically beautiful.  I have a mental and intellectual appreciation for that beauty.  It may on occasion become an emotional or visceral experience but that is not a sexual one.

Interacting with another person, one whom I actually know, is another kind of experience.   Generally speaking I experience others through my emotions.  My emotional responses might be affection or repulsion, but they affect how I perceive others.  Those whom I love are beautiful to me.  I experience them through my emotions primarily and I can see the beauty of them more clearly as a result.  I can also see those who are not, no matter how aesthetically pleasing they might be to the world.  My emotional response to someone I care for is real but, it is rarely a sexual one.  While I have experienced a sexual attraction to someone I care for, I have never felt sexual attraction without an emotional connection. 

It is more difficult for me to recognize the difference between emotional and energetic responses.  I believe that the sexual attraction I have felt for a loved one has been due to my energetic response.  The emotional connection has always existed first but, my energetic reactions seem to determine if I respond to my loved ones as mother, sister, friend, daughter or “lover”. 

My energetic response that results in sexual attraction does not seem to be determined by the gender of the other person nor their sexual orientation.   So how do I define my sexual orientation?  I read a definition the other day of a word I have never been exposed to.  Demisexual is somewhere between bisexual and asexual.  Maybe I do not need to actually define it.  I believe that I have primarily heterosexual preferences but, I have found myself at times sexually attracted to a woman whom I know and care for.  I have even had erotic dreams about other women on occasion.  But I do believe that for me, emotional affection and energetic responses are the crucial factors in the equation. 

One of the many things I need to explore is what exactly can take me from sexual attraction to that most elusive state, sexual arousal.  But that is for another day.