It's the little things...

I wear a uniform everyday to work.  It isn’t horrible but, I hate it.  I hate that it has no color and that the part I have no choice in is a man’s sweater vest.  I grew up wearing dresses only for church and school.  The rest of the time I wore my big brother’s hand-me-downs which eventually were handed down to my little-brother.  I was not a tom-boy.  I hated wearing boy’s clothes, and the haircut my mother gave me when I was six (short like a boy’s).   

It’s not that I don’t get it.  She was a stay-at-home mom with three kids and valued all that was practical and thrifty. She put a great deal of love and time into the things she made for me but, sewing new clothes for me had to be reserved for school and church.  Nevertheless, I never felt right wearing my brother’s clothes, and I hate most of the photos of my childhood because I look like a little boy and I remember how wrong that felt.

I like wearing different clothes to express myself.  I still like to wear different clothes to see how it feels, to try-out facets of identity that I am exploring, to try-on different ways of being a woman.  It occurs to me what it must be like to be a trans-gendered child, to be stuck in a body and expected to dress and behave in a way that does not agree with your true self. 

It may seem to be a small and petty thing, to wear clothes.  They are simply a means to protect our bodies from the elements but, I have always experienced them as an expression of self, or an exploration of identity.  And that is no small thing. 

It really is the “little things” that make a difference…

Asking the questions...

I read two articles this week by two women who have a great deal in common with me, or at least it seems as though they do.  

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/how-to-love-a-girl-who-doesnt-know-how-to-be-loved/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/how-to-love-yourself-when-you-dont-know-how-to-be-loved-tui-anderson/ 

Both were full of insights that rang true for me and more than a few details that did not.  We are not all the same but, we have enough in common for me to identify with them.

My ex-husband has recently fallen head-over-heels, off the high dive and into the deep-end of the ocean without a life jacket, in love for the first time in his life.  I am very happy for him, truly.  It is good to see, and to know that I did the right thing for him, that by making the choice to leave, I made room for him to find that most precious thing. 

It has me thinking a lot about my own emotional availability.  I know how to love others.  Loving other people is very important to me but, do I know how to let others love me?  Do I know how to be open enough, to let someone get close enough, to let them inside?  Do I know how not to push them away, or how not to run away as fast as I can?  Do I only fall in love with those who are unavailable to me in some way?  If I truly am one of those people who do not know how to let someone love them, can I learn?

I do not know the answers to these questions but, I think I am finally ready to begin asking them.

Visions of the Ideal Self

This past weekend I attended the Sacred Space Conference for the first time.  It was a wonderful experience and I have come away with much to process and integrate.  The tone of the conference was set for me in the first class that I attended, “The role of the Ego in Spiritual Evolution” with James Dickenson, a cherished friend and High Priest of my Tradition. 

I have never before had the opportunity to experience Jim as a teacher due to his living and serving more than 3 hours from where I live and I was looking forward to it with great anticipation.  I was not disappointed, Jim gave me much to consider.  He does not ask rhetorical questions but he does ask questions that make those present dig for the foundational beliefs they hold about the subject at hand. 

The answers offered by many helped me to be more aware of the diversity of thought on the subject and by noting my reactions to them I came to understand my own beliefs on the matter with more clarity.  James also offered his own position which he expressed with more grace than I am able to as yet but, which gave me an articulate model to refine my own.  I find it interesting that his expressed experience of the class was much more critical than mine.

In a nut-shell, the Ego is that self-aware part of us whose function it is to assist us in living up to our Ideal Self.  This exploration of identity is indeed a search to realize my ideal self, to refine and clarify it, and with the recent changes in my life I find I need to seek vision of who it is that I wish to become.

The classes and workshops and rituals I was able to attend, and the social interactions with beloveds as well as with new friends and acquaintances, taught me much about who I am and how I function and how those things might have changed over the past 48 years and how they might yet change as I step forward into an ever-changing vision of my Self.

Indeed I was granted visions of who I am to become.  Not flat images, but rather multi-dimensional experiences of who I am to be as a woman, priestess, lover, dreamer and human being.  

I give thanks for the teachers and beloveds and new friends who love me for who I am now, and who help me to see where I wish to go, and how I might get there, and who walk with me on the journey.

The Change

Fruits of the Crone by Brian Froud

It happened so quietly, like some ninja in black, slipping out the window onto the rooftop of the house, down to the yard and past the wall into the night, in some old black and white movie on Saturday morning when I was a kid.  When I woke this morning I realized it had left me and I had never noticed.  I can’t seem to remember when, just that it is gone now. 

Change happens to us all the time.  But when the first one happened, I noticed and I expected to be more aware of this one.  I was expecting it, I knew it would come but, I thought that I would notice somehow.  That there would be some sort of symptom to tell me that it had happened.

Fourteen years ago I conceived a child for the last time.  I miscarried six weeks later and the following week I allowed a surgeon to sever the pathway.  Conception would never again be possible.  I have regretted that decision and grieved for the loss.  But my body was never really aware of what my mind knew.  It did not change who I was.   This is different.

Even if it were still mechanically possible, my body has reached that state where it is no longer capable of creating or gestating life.  That possibility is really over.  And I have a choice to make.

I can grieve.  But I have already done that.  For years I did that.  It doesn’t feel right to grieve for this change.  It feels as though grieving would be saying that my life is over, that there is no reason for me to keep on living, that love and pleasure and joy are no longer possible for me, that I have no purpose and nothing to give or look forward to.  And this doesn’t feel like that to me.  That actually comes as quite a surprise for indeed, I expected that it would.

What this does feel like is a new life.  Like I have been reincarnated again, but with all of the knowledge and wisdom and understanding gained in the previous life intact.  Like I get to start over without having to start at the bottom of the staircase.  It feels like I spent my life until now climbing a tower to reach a door and now I have opened the doorway to find a new world, that the adventure is just beginning and I have lost nothing, like I can start the journey with all the tools I could possibly need and the knowledge of how to use them.

It seems so very strange but, it feels like a cause for celebration.  I give thanks for the change.

Desires

There are many facets to desire. Humans are complex and complicated beings. I do not believe that anyone is truly one dimensional in what attracts, excites and arouses them.  I have spent a good deal of time recently learning about many different ways that other people find that allusive jewel.  I have been reading about others’ experiences, discussing with others how the mystery of sexual desire functions for them, even asking questions and discussing ideas about which I am curious.

I have realized that my desires are not simple.  Sometimes they are conflicting even to the point of paradox.  And I am beginning to understand that is a paradox to be celebrated, a mystery to be enjoyed and explored.  I do not have to forsake any of my desires for any other.  I can explore each and every one of them in excruciating detail. 

I still have a very painful stutter when discussing some of the more extreme desires that I have yet to actually experience.  They are not my only desires, but the fact that I have such difficulty articulating them bestows them with immense power to my thinking.  That the simple act of giving voice to them, putting them into language, is such a struggle  (for one who loves words as much as I do) suggests a great deal of meaning and power.

Perhaps it is the fear of judgment, or the fear of being misunderstood.  Truth be told, some of those desires could be misinterpreted, and indeed have been by some of the people I love and respect.  Specifically the desire to submit to someone else’s will, either by acceptance or by physical “force”, seems to invoke in many the idea of being victimized.  The desire to explore pain or fire or blood, seems to invoke concerns about my mental and emotional health and physical safety. 

Perhaps it is the fear of those desires themselves that instills them with such power. Fear is an amazing and profound emotion and the source of great strength.  I have spent much time reading and learning and exploring intellectually, soon it will be time to actually go out and discover what it all might mean.  When I do, it might be in fear but, it will not be in shame.

Work as an Expression of Identity

I work in the manifest world as a banker.  I am middle management at a neighborhood branch (not my neighborhood).  It is good work and I am fortunate to have the job and to make enough money to pay my bills.  I am fortunate to work for a small bank that is service oriented, that is relationship oriented.  I do not have to sacrifice my ethics to do my job.  I am grateful for that.

However, I am on a “career path” to become a Branch Manager.   My mentors with the bank, which include two Vice Presidents and a few Branch Managers, are grooming me for that career.  They are good people and I value them and I am grateful for their interest and investment in me. 

The thing is I don’t really want the career that they are grooming me for.  Don’t get me wrong, the money would be good and I would enjoy having the increased income but, I don’t like being the boss.  I don’t thrive on it.  It is not a natural and fulfilling position for me, at least not in this context.

What I enjoy, what I thrive on is taking care of people.  I enjoy being of service to others.  I thrive on taking care of details to allow others to do more important work.  My best talents involve care-taking for others whom I respect, anticipating their needs and taking care of them, to make their lives better, their work easier.

I believe that this is an essential part of my identity.  I believe that this is fundamental to my happiness and I am hoping to find work that will allow me to express this part of me, as well as participate more fully in my own neighborhood and community.

The search for work and identity are ongoing.  

Family

Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that I am not living in this world alone, that I am a part of a Spiritual Community, and a mundane community, but most of all, a Family.  Of all the people in this world, my Family are the ones I have the greatest connection to and responsibility to.

And yes, I have a responsibility to them but, it is not what you might think.  I am not responsible to live according to their ideas of what is good for me.  I am responsible to them to live according to my heart and soul.  I am responsible to set an example for my children, all of my children, to follow. 

I am responsible to support each member of my Family as they struggle and muddle through trying to follow their own hearts, trying to live their lives with integrity and to find happiness.  As they struggle to love one another and even to love themselves, it is my responsibility to show them just how beautiful they are, just how important they are to the Family, and to show them what it looks like to have faith in themselves and in each other. 

I have known for some time now that a very important part of my purpose in this lifetime is to connect with and to love others.  Knowing who I am and why I am here is a source of great joy and I will try not to lose sight of it.