the Other

I am the Other, the Shadow.  I am anger and rage and pain.  I am aggression and hunger.  I am claws and fangs and the desire to make others hurt.  I am vicious and destructive and ruthless.  I am the one who rejects the rules, I am the outlaw.

I am the one who has been locked away and the dark one behind the lady of sorrows.  I am the predator and the one who knows no compassion.  I am the wild one who shape-shifts and works with deception and stealth.  I am the one who drinks too much and builds boxes and locks things away.

I am the one who would choose the freedom of the open road, and anonymity.  I am the one who wants and will do anything to have what I want.  I am the one who lashes out and leaves others to deal with the consequences.   

I am the one who sacrifices the others and watches from outside our body.  I am the one who burns and the one who cuts and the one who hates. I am the one who does not trust, anyone, ever.  I am the one who never shows fear, or pity, or weakness of any kind.  I am the one who will not scream.

I am the one who will no longer be caged.  I am the one who refuses to surrender, no matter what. I am the one who is learning to find other ways to live.  

the woman...

I am a cis-gendered human woman.  I am daughter, sister, aunt, birth-mother and devoted Nanna to my biological family. I am pagan and pansexual, polyamorous and autonomous.  I am a loyal and devoted friend and lover, if sometimes emotionally unavailable.  I am a talented massage therapist and I am no longer capable of conceiving or bearing a child.

I am a middle aged, middle-class, educated, privileged, suburban white girl who likes dresses and flowers.  I work as a banker to pay the rent and I live alone with my cat. I hate debt of any kind and never again want to own a house. I am helpful to have around in a crisis and, when someone is needed to get things done including the dishes, or if there is a need for a level of organization that borders on OCD.  Or if you need a tour guide to the local thrift stores.

I am a feminist and a registered Libertarian and sympathetic to warriors, revolutionaries, anarchists and mystics. I have a love of architecture and I believe that Libraries are the most sacred institution in any society.  I am a lover of books and fairy-tales, music and dance, football and baseball and boxing, muscle-cars and motorcycles, and poetry.  I am a writer and a poet. 

I love coffee and chocolate and all night diners.  I have a sweet tooth and a strong dislike for just about all vegetables but, just as strong a feeling that it is immoral to throw away food. I have diabetes and scars and tattoos and very little physical grace. I can spend days on end without human contact but, I never drink alone. 

I can daydream anywhere at any time. I sleep in every morning I can and sometimes I stay up all night reading just because I want to.  I love Christmas and, I can fall in love if I allow myself to, and I can survive anything.  

the Switch...

I am a Switch.  I am one who enjoys both sides of the equation.  I enjoy the control of others and of myself.  I enjoy pain and the affects it has on my body and on my mind.  I enjoy the high I get from pain and I enjoy the high that others gain from the pain I am able to give to them.  I enjoy helping others to find the release they desire through the control that I can exercise over them.  I enjoy the control I can exercise over my own body in being able to transform pain into pleasure.  I enjoy the bruises and the pride I take in them and, the victory I feel after, strong and clean and unbroken. 

I enjoy being strong and capable.  I enjoy being good at what I can do.  I enjoy taking care of others and being strong enough to take what they might choose to give to me.  I enjoy the power that is in my control regardless of what “side” I am expressing.  I enjoy the challenge of facing someone stronger than me and showing them and myself that I am as strong as they are both in will and in control. 

I am fierce and strong and unbroken.  I am both Dominant and masochist.  I am a hedonist and I enjoy the experiences…all of them.

the Witch

My name is Awenydd; it means ‘inspired one”.  I am a Witch.  I am a daughter of the Gods and a friend of the Fae, and the human companion to a magickal “feline” named Pwca.  I am she who journeys into the Otherworlds and she who casts spells.  I am the one who draws the Runes and the one who sings.  I am the one who works to change the Wyrd of my bloodline and she who shares relationship with many.  I am she who listens to the fire and to the wind, and to the trees and to the stones, and to the waters. 

I am she who works with the remnants of my past lives and the one who walks in shadow and in light.  I am the one who climbs the stairs in the Tower, and she who walks beneath the Moon.  I am she who sits within the Lodge and the one who stands in the circle with my beloveds and she who gives thanks.  I am the one who listens to the spirit of the tree-house and she who speaks with my ancestors.

I am the one who runs with the Wild God and I am the metal upon Brighid’s anvil.  I am the one who seeks to create and, the one who rides the storm, and she who fills the cauldrons with flames.  I am the one who loves the Goddess and the God in all their forms. 

I am the one who dances with Kali Ma and, the one who stands naked in the moonlight and calls to the Dark Father and, the one who dances in the kitchen with my sisters.  I am she who pursues the creative power of chaos and she who seeks balance.  I am the inspired one and I am blessed.           

the Priestess...

I am the Priestess.  I am she who serves our Gods and our Community.  I am the one who heals and teaches, the one who guards the ethics of our soul.  I am she who listens and keeps the secrets of others, and she who holds space for the tears and the rage of other hearts. 

I am she who sees potential.  I am the one who calls out to hear the stories, everyone’s stories.  I am she who seeks to enchant the world, the one who works for healing.  I am she who tells the stories and sings the colors of light.  I am the one who holds the keys and she who unlocks the boxes. 

I am she who intercedes and she who prays.  I am the one who makes offerings and she who tends the Altars.  I am the one who makes vows and she who keeps them.  I am the wisdom-seeker, the star-gazer and the future-dreamer.  I am the bridge-builder and the peace-maker.  I am she who stands in the light and the one who encourages others to step into the brilliance and find their own way to stand.  

I am the one who chants to the White Lady of Seven Eyes who sees the world and offers blessing, healing and protection. I am the one who holds compassion and I am here to serve.

Mama Bear

I am the Mother.  The strongest, the fiercest, the most powerful, of all of the people who share this body.  I am she whose heart is the heart of the Warrior.  I am the one who will fight, who will win, who will do Whatever it takes to protect those who are Mine. 

Mine will not be harmed.  Mine will not be caged or chained; Mine will not be shamed or oppressed.  They will hurt sometimes, they will feel fear, they will love and be disappointed.  These are the lessons of life.  These are the gifts of learning our own strength.  I would not cheat Mine of these gifts but, if you try to harm the ones I love, if you pose a continuing threat to those who are Mine, you will incur my focused and unflinching attention. 

I am single-minded and unyielding in purpose.  I have compassion for all mothers, for all people (of all species).  I am she who can kill to feed one who is hungry, or to protect one who is threatened.  I am she who worships the Dark Mother, and the Lady of Sovereignty.  I am the one who can wield the sword and never flinch.  I am Mama Bear and I am a force to be reckoned with.

on empty space and learning to love better...

Winter is here.  My relationship with the man I fell in love with is returning to its previous form of expression.  My friend, as he said he would, saw me through the holiday. Because, let’s face it, being alone through the holidays just plain sucks. 

I am grateful for his company and for his acceptance of my love.  I am grateful for the freedom to love him in the way that I wished, uncensored and unrestrained.  I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about myself and my desires and my needs, to learn about my boundaries and how to respect them and how to express the various people who share this body.

I have learned a great deal through this experience.  I have loved him with everything I am and (for maybe the first time in my life) I did not lose sight of who I am but rather gained a better understanding of how I function

I shed a few tears when the holiday was over.  I was sad.  But I am not afraid, and I am not grieving in the way that I expected to. There is a space inside that feels like a flower opening and making an empty space for the sadness to exist but it is not painful, it just aches a little because I will miss the intimacy and warmth that we shared.

I will continue to love him and our friendship will continue as before, although our connection is stronger than it was, and I am grateful for that too.

I am surprised to find that I am hopeful.  That I am capable of loving someone and of letting go when the time comes.  I can love someone and not sacrifice everything that is truly important to me.  I can be stronger having loved someone. 

I will not be alone, I have other lovers and friends with whom to continue this adventure and I will.  But for my friend and the gift of these past seven months, I give thanks.