The Grandmother Shawl

 

For a while now I have been a little anxious about the idea that I will become “a little old lady”, eventually.   I lacked a clear vision of my role in my own life going forward into the future.    

I bought a shawl, because I liked it and it called to me.  A friend (who is a generation older than I) said it looked like a hug from a grandmother.  I agreed, but my mind responded, “and that would be me.”

I began to think about the image that I hold of the “little old lady,” the grandmother.  Not my grandmothers, nor my own mother but, the archetype, the Goddess as Grandmother.

I was surprised to discover that the image I hold is one that I find beautiful.  Yes, she is soft and round, yes, she is gray and pale, yes, she is not as strong or limber as a young woman but, she is also resilient, and steadfast.  She is comforting and loving and fierce. 

She knows herself, and how to hold space for those she loves.  She has wisdom born from personal experience and can offer sound guidance and support.  She knows how to listen and how to teach others to stand in their own power.  And she knows how to stand in hers.

She is not overtly sexual in the way that our society thinks of the sexual woman but, she has sexual power that arises from her understanding of her own desires and her lack of shame in enjoying the sensual, physical pleasure that she can offer to her lovers.  I had worried a little that my lovers might no longer feel sexual desire for me when I indeed become this “grandmother” but, I find this image to be intriguing and mysterious, and yes, desirable.  If I find this image desirable, I trust that they will as well.  the need for love is not exclusive to the young.  The gifts of love, sex, pleasure and healing are not only to be found in the young either.

So this shawl holds the vision, of the woman I am becoming, the woman I look forward to becoming, the woman I already am.  And I wrap it around myself when I need a hug from the Grandmother, or to embrace this vision of my future.  And I find it very comforting. 

Blessed Be. 

a gift received in the Temple of Love...

“We are Beauty and we are Darkness…

We are Light and we are Change”   T Thorne Coyle

I am Inspiration in the form of a Dragon!

I am a Dragon in the form of a Woman…

I am a Woman in the form of a Shaman…

I am a Shaman in the form of a Witch...

I am a Witch in the form of a Priestess…

I am a Priestess in the form of a Goddess…

I am a Goddess in the form of a Dragon…

I am Beautiful in All my Forms!

“In the Temple of Love,

I sing from the Water that Flows through my Heart,

…Longing and Belonging…”  Baltimore Reclaiming Ritual, Sacred Space, March 11^th, 2017

Heart Wide Open…

Part of knowing yourself is understanding your anatomy and physiology.  That is to say, knowing our Parts and understanding how they function.  While it helps to have a basic understanding of our physical bodies, understanding our energetic anatomy and physiology is equally important.  We are not just physical bodies, we are also minds, hearts, souls, and shadows.

I have been learning about all my parts (including my body) for quite a while now, and I have become acutely aware of a particular truth about how my Magickal Self functions. Specifically, I have become aware that when my heart is not open, my magick is impotent.  I still have knowledge, and I even retain access to communication, my mind still works but, I have no access to my power.  I cannot FEEL.  I cannot feel inspiration, or imagination, or desire, or passion, or pleasure, or joy, or sorrow, or anger, or love, or power.  When the gate of my heart is closed, I am not fully awake, or alive. 

My Heart is the gateway to those other parts of me, the ones that are essential to life and to magick.  All my parts must be engaged for me to live and to fulfill my purpose.  I cannot bypass my heart.  In these past few years, I have come to know how wonderful life can be when my heart is open.  It is WHO I am.  I am supposed to be a woman who lives life with her heart wide open.  That is who I was always supposed to be.  I have rediscovered that woman and remembered her over these past years.  It is my intention to live that life, inspired, empowered, and following my open heart.  So Mote it Be.

Exploring Masculine Gender...

I am a woman, a queer woman but, a woman nonetheless.  Yet there are parts of me that are masculine in nature, that express the Divine Masculine within me.  The Teacher, the Healer and, the Poet to name a few.  I worship the Masculine God with as much devotion as I do the Feminine Goddess.  I find myself more strongly connected to my male ancestors and to my father’s bloodline but, I will never be a man in this lifetime.  

I study theories on male identity and psychology to better understand and relate to, to better serve, and love the men in my life.  I have a father, brothers (one passed on and one living) a son, a nephew, friends, lovers, housemates, coven-mates, tradition-mates, teachers, priests and elders.  I may someday have grandsons.  I want to support them and understand them as much as I am capable of. 

When I was a child, I hated wearing my brother’s hand-me-downs.  I hated having short hair.  But as a grown woman, I have become curious about just how it might feel to experience the world as someone of the male gender.   How does it feel to walk about in the world as a man?  How does it differ from the power I have as a woman?  How does the world treat a man differently from the way it treats me? 

I am considering an experiment, and a few of the men in my life, including a lover, are supportive of the idea.  I am going to find men’s clothing that fits and suits me, and we are going to go out into the world together, so that I can find out how it feels.  I find myself surprisingly excited to have this experience.  And deeply grateful for these precious companions and their unreserved support.

I will let you know how it goes. 

Adventures are good, new experiences are good, gaining better understanding of the men in my life is good, learning more about myself and the world is good too.

Tattoos to Honor the Self

The people in my mundane community are mostly conservative, lower middle-class, blue-collar, rural, with High School educations.  They struggle.  They look like me and, when they see me, they assume that I share their world view.  The Witches in this area mostly exercise discretion, as does the LGTBQ community, the Leather and Kink and Poly communities, and even the Socially and Politically Liberal community. 

Some days it is a challenge to be at work where my customers and co-workers feel free to speak about their politics.  I am honest with my employers and co-workers about my religion and my identity as a Queer, Poly person (although my kink tendencies are something I keep private in this situation) I also do not believe that a bank is an appropriate place to give voice to religious, social, or political ideas. At times, I become very annoyed, and irritated by the ignorance and delusions I hear, it wears on a person. 

But I cannot see them as my enemies.  They are human beings struggling to get by.  They are sleep-walkers suffering from soul-sickness, as so many in our society are.  They deserve my pity, not my hatred.  I need to remind myself of this truth often these days. 

And every now and then, I need to do something to remind myself of who I truly am.  The past few days I received 3 new tattoos.  One to honor my Brothers, both my younger brother, whom we lost this past summer, and my older brother whom I love and cherish.  The other two honor Spirit Allies, Bear and Wolf.   There will be more in the future.  It helps me, to look less like my neighbors, and to see the ink upon my skin, to remember who I am, and what I truly believe. 

Those who are asleep, ignorant, delusional, and blind, those who are arrogant, power hungry and manipulative, those who speak untruths with impunity, those who would do harm, may not be my Enemies but, they are not my Community, my Family, or my Tribe. 

I can do many things to positively affect the future.  There are many ways that I can be open and use my voice to speak Truth and to support others as they too speak and resist and fight the good fight.  I believe in peaceful resistance, in Magick and in Prayer.  I believe in the Truth against the World, Heart to Heart, Shout above the Shouting, until there is Peace.

I have spent a great deal of time considering how I might contribute to the work of making things better.  I believe that being more open in my mundane community and actively serving the Earth, and the humans I share this Earth with, is a good place to start.  Praying and doing Magick to heal, awaken, and re-enchant the world are actions that I can commit to.

Encouraging others to resist, letting them know that they are not alone, and supporting them in that work are also actions that I can sustain.  Letting my elected representatives know how I expect them to represent me and my issues is also my duty as a citizen. 

I will remember who I am, and I will remember my purpose, and I will do those things that I can do to make things better.  So Mote It Be!

Love, Loss, Disapproval, and Reclaiming Self

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly.  The thing is that while I loved him, he disapproved of almost everything about me. (and what he did not know about me, he would have disapproved of even more) I have spent a good part of my life trying to be someone he would like.  Most of my people-pleasing behaviors were an attempt to be who he wanted me to be, and a lot of my anxiety, and belief that I was not “good enough“, was based upon his disapproval.

Spending the better part of the week after his death with my family brought on a resurgence of those feelings, and those patterns of behavior reasserted themselves with a vengeance.  It has been a challenge to let go of those behaviors, to recognize those feelings and release those anxieties.   My grief has also been accompanied by the conflict that existed between us and my feelings about that conflict.

The loss of my younger brother has caused me to reexamine my relationships with the other members of my family who remain, and my presence in the world.  I have also been challenged to remember all of the work I have done in these past years to discover my true Self, but most of all, to remember that Self. 

All of that work means nothing if I cannot remember my true Self in this grief.  It is not perfection that must be achieved but, integrity.  I am a strong, loving, capable woman who serves my beloveds well.   I am a woman who has a noble purpose that I serve with honor, courage and integrity.  And while my brother was a good man, whom I loved, he was wrong about my value and my worth. 

 Loving my family, does not require that I agree with them.  I will grieve him and love them even as I remember my true Self.  So Mote It Be.

A Fire Breathing Dragon and a Sword of Truth

I have been doing a great deal of work recently in identifying who and what I am outside of a sexual, romantic, or familial context.  Specifically, I have been exploring how my identity relates to my religious calling of service and my work in the world.

I am a writer.  But what do I hope to accomplish by my writing?  What do I value above everything else?  What we value can help us define who we are and help us to focus on our purpose, and how we hope to leave our mark upon this world. 

The way that I identify what is important to me is by examining that which moves me, what my heart reacts to most strongly.  In many ways these are things that have an impact upon those whom I love.  What kind of world do I want for my children, for my grand-daughter, and those who will follow her?

My heart cries out for Peace, I want Peace for the world that she will inherit.  Peace is better for growing things and small children, and for the rest of us, truth be told.   But peace without Liberty to be true to one’s ’self is not truly Peace, but rather oppression.  So Liberty and Peace.  I want her to be free to be all of who she is.  I want Love for her too, and the freedom to express her love in whatever way is true for her. 

So what do we do to create the world we want for our children and grand-children? What do I do to create a world where all our children will be safe and free to love whom they will, to be whomever they will?  How do we create Peace?

I believe the world is able to heal, I believe that Love and Peace and Liberty are possible.  But I believe that this can only happen if we work for these things.  I do so by telling stories that share visions of other people’s experience, that make it possible for us to see through each others’ eyes and thereby find compassion and understanding.  We heal the world through stories, through Love and Peace and compassion.   

We also heal the world through magick, by Re-enchanting the World.   The World needs more Magick and Enchantment.  I contribute to this by leading and serving my Coven, by serving my Tradition and my community.  I help by supporting others in finding healing and transformation, to find their own power and wisdom.  I do this by invoking my Gods to keep them alive in this world.  I do this through poetry and ritual and serving my ancestors.

But most of all, I do this by speaking Truth, whenever I see it, heart to heart, shouting above the shouting, Truth against the World, until there is Peace and Liberty and Love.  I am a champion of Hope, a warrior of Peace and Liberty.  I am a dragon, breathing the fire of Truth, and a Sword upon whom the words are written, the Truth against the World.  Truth can heal us, Truth can bring Peace.  So Mote It Be.

Queer

I have learned a lot about myself in the time since I began this exploration.  I began not knowing anything about where this journey would lead me.  The journey has had more than one unexpected turn and many uncomfortable and uneasy moments.  But I have indeed found a place where I know who I am and I am comfortable with all of who I am.

I have also discovered one word that feels right to describe my gender, sexuality and relationships.  Queer is not a word that the world at large would associate with me but, from my perspective, it is the one word that feels correct.

I am a cis-gendered female however; I do not feel that accurately describes my experience of gender.  Through this journey I have come to recognize that I have moments in my life when I prefer to express  female gender and times when I prefer to express male gender but, I no longer feel that binary definitions accurately express the truth of who I am. 

I am not truly hetero-normative in my sexuality either.  I have found that I am sexually drawn to people regardless of gender. My attraction is dependent upon the person and has no recognizable connection to any gender, or to defined gender.

I am polyamorous but in a structure that is not easily recognized.  I do not have primary or secondary relationships.  I do have committed relationships.  I love who I love, and I am committed to those whom I love.   I am loyal to those whom I love.  Each of my relationships is unique, as are each of my beloveds.  Gender, age, sexual identity, and sexual expression do not determine whom I love.

In my sexual expression, I am a switch.  I enjoy different experiences, many of which are seemingly contradictory, sometimes with the same partner.  I do not desire to be constrained by one role, or someone else’s narrow definition of any one form of expression.

Queer is a word that defies definition.  It is the one word that simply says “cannot be defined or constrained by definition.”   I like the word.  I claim the word.  It feels true, and more comfortable that any other.   I am queer and I am happy.

Changes...

I am 50 years old.  From my perspective, this is only the beginning of a stage in my life that I would like to look forward to with excitement and a sense of adventure.  But while I choose to be optimistic about the future, there are things about which I feel some trepidation.

 My body has changed a lot in the past year.  It no longer feels like the same body I have been living with my entire life.  It no longer feels like the body I had a year ago.  My bones have changed, my muscles have changed.  I see slight differences when I look in the mirror. I no longer have a sense of strength and confidence in my body’s ability to handle accidents, injury, illness, or digging out from snow storms.  And sometimes I wonder how and when my body will lose its desire for sexual expression, and when my lovers will lose their desire for me.  There are moments when I am afraid of getting older, and times when I am afraid that I will not have the time or the energy I need to do the things I desire to do in this lifetime.

I want to go forward into the next 43 years strong and fearless, but I will admit to moments of fear and I will admit to moments of feeling week and vulnerable.  Perhaps these moments exist to give me the opportunity to understand a point of view I have never had before…

Sex and the Body Sacred

I am a sex-positive person.  I am a Witch, my religion is a fertility religion, the “Great Rite” is literally the act of sex.  So it should not come as a surprise that I consider sex to be a sacred act.

Not just the act of intercourse between a man and a woman, but every consensual sexual expression is a sacred act, and a magickal one, if the persons involved choose to make it so.

Our sexuality is an essential part of who we are as human beings, no matter what that means for any one of us.  Having the freedom and safety to express that part of who we are, as we choose, is essential to living a full and happy life.  (And for the record, this applies to those who are asexual as well.) 

Our bodies are the physical part of the living being that is us.  They are no less a part of our power, or our magick, than our minds, hearts, souls, and spirits. What we eat, how we sleep, move, work, play, and how we express ourselves, our gender and our sexuality are all important to honoring our bodies.  Our bodies are sacred.  Without them we would not have the means to live and learn and interact with any of the worlds.  To be “incarnated” is to be “in-bodied”.

It stands to reason then, that our bodies are to be honored as sacred, just as the Earth is Sacred.   And the expression of those bodies, our sexuality, whatever that is most truly for each person, is also to be honored as sacred. 

Knowing ourselves, and our bodies, and our boundaries, and our truth, is essential to living our lives on this Earth with integrity.

some thoughts on Love

Love is the highest form of human expression that I can imagine.  To love is to express the highest form of my own humanity.  So how I love is an expression of my identity. 

How I love expresses my gender, my sexuality, my spirituality.  I believe that loving others is an essential part of my purpose in this lifetime…perhaps in every lifetime.

The ones that I love, my beloveds, are not all human, though most of them are.  The forms of love are as diverse as my beloveds.

My love for my companion (the feline with whom I share our home) takes the form of caring for his needs, and considering how my magick, or adventures, will affect him. If I will be gone from my home for any length of time, I need to arrange to have another person (whom he trusts) to care for him.  When I do magick for our home, I need to consider the impact upon his ability to journey (on the astral) and his feelings about who may enter our home (both seen and unseen).  I need to make time to spend with him cuddling and playing and of course providing him with a clean, warm and comfortable nest, clean water, good food and mental stimulation.  I care for his needs, for his wellbeing.  That is how I express my love for him.

My love for my children, coven-mates, human family and tribe takes the form of words and actions.  I tell my children that I love them, that they are valued, cherished, beautiful, talented, intelligent people.  I encourage them to follow their own hearts and to believe in themselves.  I support them in their own sovereignty.  I remind them that they can make decisions about their own lives and that they will have my support regardless of my agreement with those decisions.   I also try to teach them not to hide from their own power, not to fear taking risks not to fear making mistakes.  My love for them is not predicated upon the ideal of perfection. 

My love for my lovers is according to their needs and mine.  I love their strengths and their shadows.  I love them in their weakness and in mine.  And if one of us should make a mistake, it is forgiven.  Love is not earned.  Love does not require perfection.  Love is given and accepted in unequal measure beyond all reason.  There is no ledger to balance.  No accounting to make. 

If all I can do is to hold my loved one’s hand or listen to him breathe or purr, then that is what love will do.  If my beloved needs something from me, it is but theirs to ask. 

Love gives according to the need.  It loves the truth of the beloved.  Even love for self.  I cannot hate the weakness in myself if I am to love the weakness in my beloveds.  Love must allow for imperfection and strive for acceptance. 

I have learned only in these past few months what it means to be loved without fear, that I am loved beyond reason.  That making a mistake will not result in rejection and abandonment.  That being weak does not make me unworthy of loving or being loved.  I have learned to stop hating that part of me that is weak.  I have learned to reject the idea that perfection is required.

I am learning to love in truth.  Blessed be.

Intention and Exploration

I have been silent for some time now.  It was not intentional.  I have been doing a great deal of work, learning, experiencing, and changing over these past six months. 

I have found therapy to be incredibly helpful in learning to process all of the transitions and the shadow-work that is necessary if I am to truly know myself and to live with integrity.

My understanding of my identity, gender and sexuality has become clearer.  I have learned about what love means to me.  To be loved and to love others is essential to my purpose in this life. 

Loving others, engaging with who they are as human beings, and with the needs they have, the struggles they face, and the feelings they have about themselves and their lives, as well as with my own feelings, desires and needs, is a process well worth participating in.

The lessons of how we love are a part of the exploration of identity and that is what this blog was intended to be about.  So I will return to my purpose in this endeavor, because I believe these are questions worth exploring.

Blessed be…

Not good enough...

I have come to recognize a belief from very early in my life that is common to many amazingly gifted and magickal people as well as to a lot of just plain awesome, loving, normal people.  It is the belief that we are somehow not enough.

Not good enough to be loved, not strong enough or skilled enough or smart enough to do what needs to be done.  That somehow we are not deserving of the love, community and care we need.  That we are deficient somehow.  That we are indeed unworthy, unsuitable, lacking, and that we will be seen as such and be abandoned and rejected. 

This is not an unusual belief.  It is not something that makes me unique.  It is common among many of those whom I love dearly. 

I am sometimes afraid that because I am not enough, I will let down those I serve.  That I will fail them and that they will be hurt because of my lack. 

I voiced this to a beloved recently and he pointed out that there was no reason to be afraid, that it would indeed happen sometime. He also reminded me that community provides for this.  That when I do not have the knowledge, skill or energy to take care of someone who needs, someone in the community does, and that allowing another to use their skills, knowledge or talents, serves both them and the one they help. 

I have come to see that focusing on the fear and pain of “not good enough”, keeps my focus too much upon myself.  It becomes an obstacle to serving others, an obstacle to loving others.  Life is not about my own sense of worth; it is about valuing others and doing the work of service.  That is where I find joy, that it where I find purpose.  That is where I am “good enough”.

on becoming...

I am in the process of deconstructing the structures and patterns of behavior and function that I have built and used through most of my life.  I am returning to the core of my being, returning to the child and her gifts, talents, and joys, to the truth of who I was, and who I am. 

The process is painful and, without the tools that I have used for decades, panic and depression are more difficult to keep at bay.  The new skills that I am learning are less familiar.  They require practice to remember and to use and, I have not yet developed grace.

I have a vision of who I wish to become but, the path to becoming is a mystery to me still.

So I continue to consciously reject the old patterns of behavior, I continue to learn new skills and to practice them.  I continue to remember who I am in truth.  I continue to remember the vision of who I hope to become.  

May my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies bless me in this work.   So Mote It Be.

on safety, strength, loving and being loved.

I have never in my life felt completely safe with those I loved, with those who loved me.  I have felt that longing, that lacking, for as long as I can remember.  I had not been able to put a word to that feeling until I went to see Monika Lonely Coyote for shamanic healing this past summer.  When she was working on my heart, she gave the word “safe” to the thing I have needed and never had. 

I have been revisiting that need recently.  I have begun working with the Lady Freyja-Vanadis, the Vanir Goddess of Love, Sexuality, War and Death.  It seems that the Lady wishes me to revisit ALL of the memories that I have willfully forgotten in order to resolve them.  The moments when someone whom I loved, someone who loved me, valued someone or something more than they valued me.  The betrayals that I have chosen to forget in order to avoid the conflict of feeling betrayed.  My version of loyalty and unconditional love. 

I have always known that each person I loved, who loved me, valued something or someone more, would always choose that thing or that person before me, that I would always be second to whatever, or whoever that was.  And I have not been wrong. 

The thing about never feeling safe in that way is that, while you can choose to love someone knowing that to be true, trusting them becomes a choice to accept that you will never feel safe.  You will always have to love them from strength that you can never put down.  And that strength becomes very thin, and very heavy, all at the same time. 

The insecurity of that place eventually wears down the strength that you have until you either stop loving and close off or, you become dependent and incapable of loving, only of needing.

The Lady does not seem to find either of those options acceptable, and so I must learn to Love from a place of Trust and Strength, and that requires that I must learn to feel safe.  And so we are revisiting all of the moments that have taught me that I am not safe, in order to resolve them, and to try to learn how to let go of them somehow. 

I have recently come to know …and love…someone who is a catalyst for me in this work.  This person has challenged my belief that I cannot ever feel safe in another’s love.  Like me, this person has other lovers, and like me, they do not struggle with jealousy, but they have shown me love in a way that I have never experienced before.  They protect and care for me in moments of weakness and vulnerability, they accept me and love me unconditionally, they have shown me their loyalty and that they value me.  And they have accepted my care and protection, my loyalty and love, my support and respect.  They have shown me what it is to feel safe.

In that place of Safety, Trust is real, and Strength is real.  Because I can feel safe I can truly feel strong and I can truly love others, for Loving others comes from Strength, from the place of knowing that I can serve them, that because of my ability to trust, and to feel safe, I can return to a place of strength and do what needs to be done, to provide what strength, safety, support and loyalty is needed.   I can put the needs of those I love before my own because, my own needs are met, and I am safe.

Emotional Independence...

I have always believed myself to be an emotionally independent person, even to the point of being emotionally unavailable at times…but that may not be as accurate as it once was.

I have,at times in the past, been unavailable, even closed off to emotional intimacy and connection to others.  But I have been learning to change that in these past years. 

I have been learning to trust myself and others; I have been healing and learning to connect, and to feel again.  And I have come to the understanding that I am a very strong person, with a very strong heart.  I do not need to be closed off; I do not need to protect myself or to avoid engaging in emotional connections.

The human heart is an amazing and resilient vessel.  It has an immense capacity for love.  And it is designed to survive repeated heartache (it does not actually break no matter how profound the pain it experiences).  I believe that it expands and its capacity increases each time it survives pain and does not close off or turn to stone.

I have recently come to see that I have formed connections with others in my life and that those connections have an effect upon me.   When my beloveds are under stress, I am effected.  I am relieved to have discovered this, truth be told.   

I have also discovered that I am able to discern the differences between my own feelings and those of my beloveds and I am capable of supporting them in their struggles without interfering with the expansion of their hearts.

I sometimes worry that I may have become emotionally dependent upon my beloveds or that I might foster emotional dependence in those whom I love because, my instincts are to protect my beloved ones from pain, and to wish that I could heal their wounds. I believe that would be a disservice to them, if it were even possible.

I want my beloveds to be whole, and well and strong.  I want them to be self-reliant and not to be dependent upon me or upon anyone else  And I want them to know the blessing of an ever-expanding capacity for love and joy, and the knowledge that they are strong enough to survive heartache and to thrive, and to heal themselves.

This is something that I need to pay attention to, to remain conscious of, because my instinct to protect those I love must sometimes be overridden by my belief, and I want my beloveds to know that, beyond a doubt, I have faith in them and I trust them to survive the pain they feel.  I know they are strong enough to rise up in brilliance above all that they may face. 

It is not difficult to trust in the strength of my beloveds, but sometimes it is difficult to remember that my love is meant to show them how to trust themselves.

May my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies guide me in this and in remembering my own strength.  May They continue to help me to increase my own capacity to love…and to be loved.  So mote it be.

Who is left standing?...

I was asked today “Who is left standing when everyone else has been taken away?”  I have been sitting with this question, through the snowfall, with my Pwca curled up beside me.  (When considering total isolation it is good to have your cat by your side.)

Like many human beings, I have some fear of abandonment.  I am blessed with the knowledge that some of my beloveds would stay beside me no matter what.  But the terror that children have in the years after they become aware of mortality, maintains a hold upon many of us well into adulthood. 

The question of abandonment remains in the shadows, an obstacle to intimacy, and to emotional availability with others and with ourselves.  So the question was posed to me, “Who is left standing when everyone else is taken away?” 

The question seems to have three distinct contexts.  First, who am I if I am completely isolated?  What happens then?  My answer to that question is that I am still here, invisible or not.  But I would lose my purpose in this life. 

My purpose in this lifetime is to leave a mark, to communicate and engage with others.  Without others, I would lose that purpose and I do not enjoy that idea.  That idea would lead me to consider the point of continuing, and for the record, I not only expect to live well into my 90’s, I intend to as well. 

Another context goes to the question of what happens if I cease to exist?  What happens if I actually become invisible because I no longer exist with this mind, heart, body and soul?  The only place I can find to answer this question is in my faith. 

I believe that the soul (along with the heart and mind or consciousness of the person that is me), once the body ends returns to its source in the underworld (and my Patron) and joins with the ancestors to be recycled within the bloodline with others in the same soul-group to assist each other in the process of working out our wyrd. 

The Spirit freed of the individual self, goes on to the Summerland to process the lessons learned in this life and eventually to the Lady of Fate (my Patroness) to choose its next incarnation.  I do not fear this process, I have been through it before and I will embrace it, when the time has come to do so again.

The third context concerns the members of the committee and their purpose.  If each of them were to be taken away, who would be left standing?  Who am I? 

I have been journeying a great deal lately and I have discovered that, at least for the time being, when I arrive on the other side of the threshold, I am myself but, I am the child that I was  with the knowledge that I now possess., and without the “armor” that I have created over the past 4 decades.  And that seems to be the answer.  I am the child that I was.  She is the woman, witch, mother, priestess, switch, adventurer, romantic and poet that I have always been.    

The child is the one “who is left standing” when everyone else is taken away.  She is the truth and the best of me.

on silence and healing

I don’t do silence very well anymore.  It feels too much like compliance, like hiding.  It feels too much like the smiles my mother always wanted, like lies of omission so as not to make everyone else uneasy, like secrets that poison the soul.  Silence feels like pretending to be small, timid and weak.  

Anger is a natural emotion and when given appropriate expression it can be resolved.  Being silent about that emotion can twist it into something else, rage. And silent rage can twist into depression or, worse into violence, uncontrolled, directed inward or outward.

Grief and sorrow are human experiences and they heal with time and expression, but in silence they can linger and become chronic and persistent. 

Pain is a normal part of life, but it is only a part, it is not all of what we are here to experience.  Pain is temporary, but unless it is given a voice it can become a festering wound that infects the entire being.

Fear is also a common experience.  And it is my experience that if I am silent in my fear it holds much greater power over my soul.  If I can voice those fears and look at them in the bright light of day, they become less large, less powerful and I can choose to act with conscious choice rather than being paralyzed by my fears.

Joy, Love, Faith, Hope and Truth are the most powerful gifts a human can experience, in my opinion.  And these too require expression.  If we are silent in these blessings, if we are silent about our gratitude, if we are silent about those things that inspire us, we fail to honor and nurture those gifts, we fail to make room for them to manifest in our lives. 

It is not my nature to be silent.  I have spent many years living against my own nature.  Silence becomes a habit and when that habit has taken root too deeply it can take a lot of work to remove it.  I am working to live a less silent life, and I believe that life will be a healthy and a happy one.

Fear no longer rules my mind

Grief no longer chokes me

Rage no longer rules my heart

and Pain no longer wounds me

Hope and Joy and Faith and Love

These things shall now replace them

By Sun and Moon and Stars above

My Spirit now reclaims them.

shadow work and the mystery that is Love...

Shadow work is messy, and ugly and frightening and painful and, in my opinion necessary if one is to evolve. But my own shadow work was not the original intention of this blog, although my exploration of gender, sexuality and identity has most definitely resulted in that work. 

I have reached a point in this process where I need the assistance of someone who has a better understanding of shadow and who can help me to do the work to heal “Pluto’s child” as well as to find healthy ways to allow the “Other” to be expressed.  

Most of the impulses of the Other are not necessary (nor are those behaviors acceptable to me, not do I allow them to be indulged) but some parts of her must be allowed to exist because, Anger, Fear, Pain and Rebellion are normal and necessary experiences for a human being. 

I hope to learn healthy ways to experience those things and to finally put the thoughts that do not serve our higher good to rest.  I had successfully lived for two decades without having those thoughts and I will again, but this time it will be because I did the work to resolve them and not because I shut everything down.

I also find myself in a place on my journey where my exploration of my sexuality has become secondary to my exploration of Love.  Love is the greater question for me, the greater mystery.   And a mystery I find to be of great importance.

And so, this blog will be refocused on other questions of identity, questions of gender expression and Love.  Thank you for walking with me.  I hope you will find the mystery as valuable as I do.  Blessed Be.

Needs

There are many needs that are common to human beings.  The needs for shelter, warmth, security, food and water and air.  The needs for sensory and intellectual stimulation and self expression.  The need for emotional and physical engagement with others.  These are necessary for healthy bodies, minds, hearts and souls.

I have become aware that I have certain needs and that I must find ways to meet those needs if I am to live a life that is productive and healthy. 

I need my car because I need my job because I need my home.  I need Air to breathe and Water to drink and to clean both my body and my home.  I need to eat to keep my body healthy.  I need my Pwca, my Family, my Friends and my Community.  I need my Gods and my Ancestors and my Allies.  I need to write.  I need to practice massage.  I need to sing and to journey.  I need to make love and I need sex.

I have lovers with whom I engage both emotionally and sexually and making love with them fulfills important needs.  But those lovers do not engage with me in the way that my friend did because it is not an inherent part of who they are. 

Engaging with my friend not only allowed me to discover specific needs but to meet them.  And now I need to find other avenues to fulfill those specific needs.

I have taken a new lover with whom I am engaging and we are exploring our mutual enjoyment of certain experiences together.  We are still working it out but, we both enjoy the energy that we raise when we engage with each other.  I need these things and I am enjoying this new exploration.

I am hopeful that I will eventually find an avenue for the one need that is unfulfilled since my friend and I ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, my need to submit. 

I need the catalyst of someone with whom I feel safe enough and, whom I trust enough and, who is strong enough, to push me to release my control, to allow my mind and heart and body to let go of their hold on my soul.  The freedom I find in those moments to go deeper into myself and, not to leave my body in an escape but, to dive deeper into my shadows and the depths of my own abyss.  I need that release. I need to go to that place to lay bare the dark faces and to bring their voices up from the silence. I need the safety of someone whom I trust to see those faces, to hear those voices.  Someone who enjoys holding me while I cry, who takes pleasure in my sobs and who enjoys helping me regain my strength and autonomy.

I need someone who enjoys pushing me to that place without words.  I can get there on my own, sometimes, through other means.  Through fasting and sleep deprivation and physical trial but, the results are not quite the same and the act of surrendering that control to another, and sharing those tears and secrets with another, is not present in those moments.  That need by definition requires the presence of another human being.

The need is not an everyday kind of thing but, it is a need that I must meet, or a part of me may slip away forever and I am not willing to allow that to happen.  It would mean giving up a part of my own magick and power and I have work to do.  I need all of my Self if I am to accomplish my purpose.