Love, Loss, Disapproval, and Reclaiming Self

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly.  The thing is that while I loved him, he disapproved of almost everything about me. (and what he did not know about me, he would have disapproved of even more) I have spent a good part of my life trying to be someone he would like.  Most of my people-pleasing behaviors were an attempt to be who he wanted me to be, and a lot of my anxiety, and belief that I was not “good enough“, was based upon his disapproval.

Spending the better part of the week after his death with my family brought on a resurgence of those feelings, and those patterns of behavior reasserted themselves with a vengeance.  It has been a challenge to let go of those behaviors, to recognize those feelings and release those anxieties.   My grief has also been accompanied by the conflict that existed between us and my feelings about that conflict.

The loss of my younger brother has caused me to reexamine my relationships with the other members of my family who remain, and my presence in the world.  I have also been challenged to remember all of the work I have done in these past years to discover my true Self, but most of all, to remember that Self. 

All of that work means nothing if I cannot remember my true Self in this grief.  It is not perfection that must be achieved but, integrity.  I am a strong, loving, capable woman who serves my beloveds well.   I am a woman who has a noble purpose that I serve with honor, courage and integrity.  And while my brother was a good man, whom I loved, he was wrong about my value and my worth. 

 Loving my family, does not require that I agree with them.  I will grieve him and love them even as I remember my true Self.  So Mote It Be.

A Fire Breathing Dragon and a Sword of Truth

I have been doing a great deal of work recently in identifying who and what I am outside of a sexual, romantic, or familial context.  Specifically, I have been exploring how my identity relates to my religious calling of service and my work in the world.

I am a writer.  But what do I hope to accomplish by my writing?  What do I value above everything else?  What we value can help us define who we are and help us to focus on our purpose, and how we hope to leave our mark upon this world. 

The way that I identify what is important to me is by examining that which moves me, what my heart reacts to most strongly.  In many ways these are things that have an impact upon those whom I love.  What kind of world do I want for my children, for my grand-daughter, and those who will follow her?

My heart cries out for Peace, I want Peace for the world that she will inherit.  Peace is better for growing things and small children, and for the rest of us, truth be told.   But peace without Liberty to be true to one’s ’self is not truly Peace, but rather oppression.  So Liberty and Peace.  I want her to be free to be all of who she is.  I want Love for her too, and the freedom to express her love in whatever way is true for her. 

So what do we do to create the world we want for our children and grand-children? What do I do to create a world where all our children will be safe and free to love whom they will, to be whomever they will?  How do we create Peace?

I believe the world is able to heal, I believe that Love and Peace and Liberty are possible.  But I believe that this can only happen if we work for these things.  I do so by telling stories that share visions of other people’s experience, that make it possible for us to see through each others’ eyes and thereby find compassion and understanding.  We heal the world through stories, through Love and Peace and compassion.   

We also heal the world through magick, by Re-enchanting the World.   The World needs more Magick and Enchantment.  I contribute to this by leading and serving my Coven, by serving my Tradition and my community.  I help by supporting others in finding healing and transformation, to find their own power and wisdom.  I do this by invoking my Gods to keep them alive in this world.  I do this through poetry and ritual and serving my ancestors.

But most of all, I do this by speaking Truth, whenever I see it, heart to heart, shouting above the shouting, Truth against the World, until there is Peace and Liberty and Love.  I am a champion of Hope, a warrior of Peace and Liberty.  I am a dragon, breathing the fire of Truth, and a Sword upon whom the words are written, the Truth against the World.  Truth can heal us, Truth can bring Peace.  So Mote It Be.

Queer

I have learned a lot about myself in the time since I began this exploration.  I began not knowing anything about where this journey would lead me.  The journey has had more than one unexpected turn and many uncomfortable and uneasy moments.  But I have indeed found a place where I know who I am and I am comfortable with all of who I am.

I have also discovered one word that feels right to describe my gender, sexuality and relationships.  Queer is not a word that the world at large would associate with me but, from my perspective, it is the one word that feels correct.

I am a cis-gendered female however; I do not feel that accurately describes my experience of gender.  Through this journey I have come to recognize that I have moments in my life when I prefer to express  female gender and times when I prefer to express male gender but, I no longer feel that binary definitions accurately express the truth of who I am. 

I am not truly hetero-normative in my sexuality either.  I have found that I am sexually drawn to people regardless of gender. My attraction is dependent upon the person and has no recognizable connection to any gender, or to defined gender.

I am polyamorous but in a structure that is not easily recognized.  I do not have primary or secondary relationships.  I do have committed relationships.  I love who I love, and I am committed to those whom I love.   I am loyal to those whom I love.  Each of my relationships is unique, as are each of my beloveds.  Gender, age, sexual identity, and sexual expression do not determine whom I love.

In my sexual expression, I am a switch.  I enjoy different experiences, many of which are seemingly contradictory, sometimes with the same partner.  I do not desire to be constrained by one role, or someone else’s narrow definition of any one form of expression.

Queer is a word that defies definition.  It is the one word that simply says “cannot be defined or constrained by definition.”   I like the word.  I claim the word.  It feels true, and more comfortable that any other.   I am queer and I am happy.

Changes...

I am 50 years old.  From my perspective, this is only the beginning of a stage in my life that I would like to look forward to with excitement and a sense of adventure.  But while I choose to be optimistic about the future, there are things about which I feel some trepidation.

 My body has changed a lot in the past year.  It no longer feels like the same body I have been living with my entire life.  It no longer feels like the body I had a year ago.  My bones have changed, my muscles have changed.  I see slight differences when I look in the mirror. I no longer have a sense of strength and confidence in my body’s ability to handle accidents, injury, illness, or digging out from snow storms.  And sometimes I wonder how and when my body will lose its desire for sexual expression, and when my lovers will lose their desire for me.  There are moments when I am afraid of getting older, and times when I am afraid that I will not have the time or the energy I need to do the things I desire to do in this lifetime.

I want to go forward into the next 43 years strong and fearless, but I will admit to moments of fear and I will admit to moments of feeling week and vulnerable.  Perhaps these moments exist to give me the opportunity to understand a point of view I have never had before…

Sex and the Body Sacred

I am a sex-positive person.  I am a Witch, my religion is a fertility religion, the “Great Rite” is literally the act of sex.  So it should not come as a surprise that I consider sex to be a sacred act.

Not just the act of intercourse between a man and a woman, but every consensual sexual expression is a sacred act, and a magickal one, if the persons involved choose to make it so.

Our sexuality is an essential part of who we are as human beings, no matter what that means for any one of us.  Having the freedom and safety to express that part of who we are, as we choose, is essential to living a full and happy life.  (And for the record, this applies to those who are asexual as well.) 

Our bodies are the physical part of the living being that is us.  They are no less a part of our power, or our magick, than our minds, hearts, souls, and spirits. What we eat, how we sleep, move, work, play, and how we express ourselves, our gender and our sexuality are all important to honoring our bodies.  Our bodies are sacred.  Without them we would not have the means to live and learn and interact with any of the worlds.  To be “incarnated” is to be “in-bodied”.

It stands to reason then, that our bodies are to be honored as sacred, just as the Earth is Sacred.   And the expression of those bodies, our sexuality, whatever that is most truly for each person, is also to be honored as sacred. 

Knowing ourselves, and our bodies, and our boundaries, and our truth, is essential to living our lives on this Earth with integrity.