I have learned a lot about myself in the time since I began this exploration. I began not knowing anything about where this journey would lead me. The journey has had more than one unexpected turn and many uncomfortable and uneasy moments. But I have indeed found a place where I know who I am and I am comfortable with all of who I am.
I have also discovered one word that feels right to describe my gender, sexuality and relationships. Queer is not a word that the world at large would associate with me but, from my perspective, it is the one word that feels correct.
I am a cis-gendered female however; I do not feel that accurately describes my experience of gender. Through this journey I have come to recognize that I have moments in my life when I prefer to express female gender and times when I prefer to express male gender but, I no longer feel that binary definitions accurately express the truth of who I am.
I am not truly hetero-normative in my sexuality either. I have found that I am sexually drawn to people regardless of gender. My attraction is dependent upon the person and has no recognizable connection to any gender, or to defined gender.
I am polyamorous but in a structure that is not easily recognized. I do not have primary or secondary relationships. I do have committed relationships. I love who I love, and I am committed to those whom I love. I am loyal to those whom I love. Each of my relationships is unique, as are each of my beloveds. Gender, age, sexual identity, and sexual expression do not determine whom I love.
In my sexual expression, I am a switch. I enjoy different experiences, many of which are seemingly contradictory, sometimes with the same partner. I do not desire to be constrained by one role, or someone else’s narrow definition of any one form of expression.
Queer is a word that defies definition. It is the one word that simply says “cannot be defined or constrained by definition.” I like the word. I claim the word. It feels true, and more comfortable that any other. I am queer and I am happy.