I
am 50 years old. From my perspective,
this is only the beginning of a stage in my life that I would like to look
forward to with excitement and a sense of adventure. But while I choose to be optimistic about the
future, there are things about which I feel some trepidation.
My body has changed a lot in the past
year. It no longer feels like the same
body I have been living with my entire life.
It no longer feels like the body I had a year ago. My bones have changed, my muscles have
changed. I see slight differences when I
look in the mirror. I no longer have a sense of strength and confidence in my
body’s ability to handle accidents, injury, illness, or digging out from snow
storms. And sometimes I wonder how and
when my body will lose its desire for sexual expression, and when my lovers
will lose their desire for me. There are
moments when I am afraid of getting older, and times when I am afraid that I
will not have the time or the energy I need to do the things I desire to do in
this lifetime.
I
want to go forward into the next 43 years strong and fearless, but I will admit
to moments of fear and I will admit to moments of feeling week and
vulnerable. Perhaps these moments exist
to give me the opportunity to understand a point of view I have never had
before…