For the past six months or so I have been engaging with a friend whom I trust and respect. He has been helping me to learn and to experiment and to explore my own inner desires, needs and identity. And to find my power and to open the boxes.
The experience has been productive and enlightening as well as profoundly pleasurable and often intensely painful.
I knew when we began this journey that he needed to maintain and respect his own boundaries. In this case, that meant maintaining his emotional distance. I knew that it would end, and while it has continued for longer than I originally expected, it will be ending soon.
I am grateful for the sacrifices my friend has made on my behalf. I am grateful for the fact that our relationship will not end but rather, will continue as before. But that fact poses another challenge for me. Because one of the many profound things that has happened during these past few months is that I have fallen in love with him.
I knew when I fell for him that I would hurt when it ended. I knew that he could not fall in love with me. And I made a choice. I made the choice to allow my heart to fall, and to face the pain when it comes.
I will admit to wishing and wanting a different ending than the one I knew would be. I will admit to wishing that he could indeed feel the same. But I will not regret the choice I made to love him.
I fell in love with someone a year ago, and chose not to act upon it. I held back for reasons that matter not even a little. I vowed that I would not do so again. So I cannot regret falling in love and loving this man for the time allowed to me. Nor can I regret the pain that will result from the loss of him in my bed when the winter comes.
I do keep wanting and wishing. I do feel the pain of the grief and the loss even now. But I also feel the fullness in my heart of loving him. And that is worth everything.