There was a moment during my second degree initiation ritual when the Dark God, the Sage, placed his hands around my neck. He held me there, for what seemed like forever. Thinking back on it now, it may have been the only time during most of the ritual when I was in contact with anyone but the house.
The reason I mention this is, that moment caused some unexpected reactions. It was intended to frighten me, to elicit an adrenaline spike, to heighten my senses. Adrenaline can become any emotion that a human being is capable of experiencing. That was the intended result. And it was successful in that it did result in the release of adrenaline; it did heighten my perceptions.
But that was not the only result. I also became sexually aroused. I have only spoken about this with one other person until now because, I find it rather disturbing. My mind tells me that reaction was inappropriate. There was nothing inherently sexual about the ritual. That I reacted that way is confusing to me, being someone for whom sexual arousal is a rather rare occurrence, at least until recently.
But my body keeps reminding my mind of that moment, of that reaction. I keep coming back to that moment and to that feeling. In my most erotic dreams, there is a hand at my throat. It is usually the hand of someone I trust and it is never threatening but it is always arousing.
Other images and sensations reoccur often as well, a blade piercing my skin, a trickle of blood, my back against a wall. My logical mind, the one that tells me to conform to the rules, tells me that this is an aberration. But do any rules really apply when it comes to the instinct of sexual arousal? I feel a bit exposed revealing these thoughts. That I find these ideas to be more arousing than frightening seems to me to be the kind of thing one keeps to oneself for fear or shame. But I vowed that I would not look away and so I will not.
I will continue to explore the images and the dreams. There is more to explore in the inner world before stepping out into the real world.