There are many facets to desire. Humans are complex and complicated beings. I do not believe that anyone is truly one dimensional in what attracts, excites and arouses them. I have spent a good deal of time recently learning about many different ways that other people find that allusive jewel. I have been reading about others’ experiences, discussing with others how the mystery of sexual desire functions for them, even asking questions and discussing ideas about which I am curious.
I have realized that my desires are not simple. Sometimes they are conflicting even to the point of paradox. And I am beginning to understand that is a paradox to be celebrated, a mystery to be enjoyed and explored. I do not have to forsake any of my desires for any other. I can explore each and every one of them in excruciating detail.
I still have a very painful stutter when discussing some of the more extreme desires that I have yet to actually experience. They are not my only desires, but the fact that I have such difficulty articulating them bestows them with immense power to my thinking. That the simple act of giving voice to them, putting them into language, is such a struggle (for one who loves words as much as I do) suggests a great deal of meaning and power.
Perhaps it is the fear of judgment, or the fear of being misunderstood. Truth be told, some of those desires could be misinterpreted, and indeed have been by some of the people I love and respect. Specifically the desire to submit to someone else’s will, either by acceptance or by physical “force”, seems to invoke in many the idea of being victimized. The desire to explore pain or fire or blood, seems to invoke concerns about my mental and emotional health and physical safety.
Perhaps it is the fear of those desires themselves that instills them with such power. Fear is an amazing and profound emotion and the source of great strength. I have spent much time reading and learning and exploring intellectually, soon it will be time to actually go out and discover what it all might mean. When I do, it might be in fear but, it will not be in shame.