I have come to recognize a belief from very early in my life that is common to many amazingly gifted and magickal people as well as to a lot of just plain awesome, loving, normal people. It is the belief that we are somehow not enough.
Not good enough to be loved, not strong enough or skilled enough or smart enough to do what needs to be done. That somehow we are not deserving of the love, community and care we need. That we are deficient somehow. That we are indeed unworthy, unsuitable, lacking, and that we will be seen as such and be abandoned and rejected.
This is not an unusual belief. It is not something that makes me unique. It is common among many of those whom I love dearly.
I am sometimes afraid that because I am not enough, I will let down those I serve. That I will fail them and that they will be hurt because of my lack.
I voiced this to a beloved recently and he pointed out that there was no reason to be afraid, that it would indeed happen sometime. He also reminded me that community provides for this. That when I do not have the knowledge, skill or energy to take care of someone who needs, someone in the community does, and that allowing another to use their skills, knowledge or talents, serves both them and the one they help.
I have come to see that focusing on the fear and pain of “not good enough”, keeps my focus too much upon myself. It becomes an obstacle to serving others, an obstacle to loving others. Life is not about my own sense of worth; it is about valuing others and doing the work of service. That is where I find joy, that it where I find purpose. That is where I am “good enough”.