Who is left standing?...

I was asked today “Who is left standing when everyone else has been taken away?”  I have been sitting with this question, through the snowfall, with my Pwca curled up beside me.  (When considering total isolation it is good to have your cat by your side.)

Like many human beings, I have some fear of abandonment.  I am blessed with the knowledge that some of my beloveds would stay beside me no matter what.  But the terror that children have in the years after they become aware of mortality, maintains a hold upon many of us well into adulthood. 

The question of abandonment remains in the shadows, an obstacle to intimacy, and to emotional availability with others and with ourselves.  So the question was posed to me, “Who is left standing when everyone else is taken away?” 

The question seems to have three distinct contexts.  First, who am I if I am completely isolated?  What happens then?  My answer to that question is that I am still here, invisible or not.  But I would lose my purpose in this life. 

My purpose in this lifetime is to leave a mark, to communicate and engage with others.  Without others, I would lose that purpose and I do not enjoy that idea.  That idea would lead me to consider the point of continuing, and for the record, I not only expect to live well into my 90’s, I intend to as well. 

Another context goes to the question of what happens if I cease to exist?  What happens if I actually become invisible because I no longer exist with this mind, heart, body and soul?  The only place I can find to answer this question is in my faith. 

I believe that the soul (along with the heart and mind or consciousness of the person that is me), once the body ends returns to its source in the underworld (and my Patron) and joins with the ancestors to be recycled within the bloodline with others in the same soul-group to assist each other in the process of working out our wyrd. 

The Spirit freed of the individual self, goes on to the Summerland to process the lessons learned in this life and eventually to the Lady of Fate (my Patroness) to choose its next incarnation.  I do not fear this process, I have been through it before and I will embrace it, when the time has come to do so again.

The third context concerns the members of the committee and their purpose.  If each of them were to be taken away, who would be left standing?  Who am I? 

I have been journeying a great deal lately and I have discovered that, at least for the time being, when I arrive on the other side of the threshold, I am myself but, I am the child that I was  with the knowledge that I now possess., and without the “armor” that I have created over the past 4 decades.  And that seems to be the answer.  I am the child that I was.  She is the woman, witch, mother, priestess, switch, adventurer, romantic and poet that I have always been.    

The child is the one “who is left standing” when everyone else is taken away.  She is the truth and the best of me.

on silence and healing

I don’t do silence very well anymore.  It feels too much like compliance, like hiding.  It feels too much like the smiles my mother always wanted, like lies of omission so as not to make everyone else uneasy, like secrets that poison the soul.  Silence feels like pretending to be small, timid and weak.  

Anger is a natural emotion and when given appropriate expression it can be resolved.  Being silent about that emotion can twist it into something else, rage. And silent rage can twist into depression or, worse into violence, uncontrolled, directed inward or outward.

Grief and sorrow are human experiences and they heal with time and expression, but in silence they can linger and become chronic and persistent. 

Pain is a normal part of life, but it is only a part, it is not all of what we are here to experience.  Pain is temporary, but unless it is given a voice it can become a festering wound that infects the entire being.

Fear is also a common experience.  And it is my experience that if I am silent in my fear it holds much greater power over my soul.  If I can voice those fears and look at them in the bright light of day, they become less large, less powerful and I can choose to act with conscious choice rather than being paralyzed by my fears.

Joy, Love, Faith, Hope and Truth are the most powerful gifts a human can experience, in my opinion.  And these too require expression.  If we are silent in these blessings, if we are silent about our gratitude, if we are silent about those things that inspire us, we fail to honor and nurture those gifts, we fail to make room for them to manifest in our lives. 

It is not my nature to be silent.  I have spent many years living against my own nature.  Silence becomes a habit and when that habit has taken root too deeply it can take a lot of work to remove it.  I am working to live a less silent life, and I believe that life will be a healthy and a happy one.

Fear no longer rules my mind

Grief no longer chokes me

Rage no longer rules my heart

and Pain no longer wounds me

Hope and Joy and Faith and Love

These things shall now replace them

By Sun and Moon and Stars above

My Spirit now reclaims them.

shadow work and the mystery that is Love...

Shadow work is messy, and ugly and frightening and painful and, in my opinion necessary if one is to evolve. But my own shadow work was not the original intention of this blog, although my exploration of gender, sexuality and identity has most definitely resulted in that work. 

I have reached a point in this process where I need the assistance of someone who has a better understanding of shadow and who can help me to do the work to heal “Pluto’s child” as well as to find healthy ways to allow the “Other” to be expressed.  

Most of the impulses of the Other are not necessary (nor are those behaviors acceptable to me, not do I allow them to be indulged) but some parts of her must be allowed to exist because, Anger, Fear, Pain and Rebellion are normal and necessary experiences for a human being. 

I hope to learn healthy ways to experience those things and to finally put the thoughts that do not serve our higher good to rest.  I had successfully lived for two decades without having those thoughts and I will again, but this time it will be because I did the work to resolve them and not because I shut everything down.

I also find myself in a place on my journey where my exploration of my sexuality has become secondary to my exploration of Love.  Love is the greater question for me, the greater mystery.   And a mystery I find to be of great importance.

And so, this blog will be refocused on other questions of identity, questions of gender expression and Love.  Thank you for walking with me.  I hope you will find the mystery as valuable as I do.  Blessed Be.

Needs

There are many needs that are common to human beings.  The needs for shelter, warmth, security, food and water and air.  The needs for sensory and intellectual stimulation and self expression.  The need for emotional and physical engagement with others.  These are necessary for healthy bodies, minds, hearts and souls.

I have become aware that I have certain needs and that I must find ways to meet those needs if I am to live a life that is productive and healthy. 

I need my car because I need my job because I need my home.  I need Air to breathe and Water to drink and to clean both my body and my home.  I need to eat to keep my body healthy.  I need my Pwca, my Family, my Friends and my Community.  I need my Gods and my Ancestors and my Allies.  I need to write.  I need to practice massage.  I need to sing and to journey.  I need to make love and I need sex.

I have lovers with whom I engage both emotionally and sexually and making love with them fulfills important needs.  But those lovers do not engage with me in the way that my friend did because it is not an inherent part of who they are. 

Engaging with my friend not only allowed me to discover specific needs but to meet them.  And now I need to find other avenues to fulfill those specific needs.

I have taken a new lover with whom I am engaging and we are exploring our mutual enjoyment of certain experiences together.  We are still working it out but, we both enjoy the energy that we raise when we engage with each other.  I need these things and I am enjoying this new exploration.

I am hopeful that I will eventually find an avenue for the one need that is unfulfilled since my friend and I ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, my need to submit. 

I need the catalyst of someone with whom I feel safe enough and, whom I trust enough and, who is strong enough, to push me to release my control, to allow my mind and heart and body to let go of their hold on my soul.  The freedom I find in those moments to go deeper into myself and, not to leave my body in an escape but, to dive deeper into my shadows and the depths of my own abyss.  I need that release. I need to go to that place to lay bare the dark faces and to bring their voices up from the silence. I need the safety of someone whom I trust to see those faces, to hear those voices.  Someone who enjoys holding me while I cry, who takes pleasure in my sobs and who enjoys helping me regain my strength and autonomy.

I need someone who enjoys pushing me to that place without words.  I can get there on my own, sometimes, through other means.  Through fasting and sleep deprivation and physical trial but, the results are not quite the same and the act of surrendering that control to another, and sharing those tears and secrets with another, is not present in those moments.  That need by definition requires the presence of another human being.

The need is not an everyday kind of thing but, it is a need that I must meet, or a part of me may slip away forever and I am not willing to allow that to happen.  It would mean giving up a part of my own magick and power and I have work to do.  I need all of my Self if I am to accomplish my purpose.  

the shadow child and her body

The shadow child will not write.  And I cannot write while she is speaking to me.  I tried to invoke her the other night, for the first time I invoked her by choice but, I had to stop because it hurt too much.  The pain in my chest made it too difficult to breathe and I knew that if I chose to go any further it would be a very long dark night.  I am not afraid of the work or the pain but, I have a job and self-induced fatigue is not a responsible decision.  

I will do that work when I can do so without time constraints and I will borrow a recorder and try to invoke her to use her voice or I will give voice to the things that she says in those moments.  It was not an unproductive evening however, I did gain some understanding and insights that I had not previously possessed.

 She has a great many fears, many things that anger her and, a lot of irrational beliefs and I will be working with her about those feelings and those beliefs but, the insight I gained the other night was about her feelings concerning our body. 

 She is conflicted in her feelings about our body.  She hates it because she sees it as the only thing that anyone wants from us and something that others can use to take from her, yet because she fears being invisible and abandoned she is afraid that no one will ever want it enough to see her and to stay with her..even love her and protect her.  She does not truly trust me to do that, because I was not able to do so at the time.

She has very little control over what we decide to do with our body, and that both angers her and frightens her but,  the one thing that she does have more control over than any other member of the committee is what we eat.

She does not control what we eat entirely.  If she did, we would starve and waste away to nothing, or at the least become very ill.  I have diabetes and I must eat to maintain my health.  Most days I will force myself to eat if I have to because, it is my responsibility to keep this body and this soul together for as long as it takes us to learn what we are here to learn and to accomplish our purpose in this life.  

I have noticed her anger and rebellion when someone comments on what we eat.  People will  joke about what we eat, will offer opinions or advise,  will criticize and ridicule, or take offence when we do not eat what they have spent the time and effort to cook.  I appreciate the love that others show by making food to feed others, including us.  But, no one gets to decide what she puts into her mouth, what she eats.  She will not eat just to please anyone.  She will not eat to be polite.  It is the only control that she has over her body and she will not relinquish it.  She is very stubborn, that is one of her strengths.

I am glad that she has strength of her own…it will help in the work we have ahead of us. 

the "bitch"...

 I am the one who loves the dress.  I am the one who does not show her face.  I am she who still hopes to be loved and valued, to be seen as beautiful, to be wanted, to be seen, to be safe.

I am the one who would love with everything I am.  I am she who would surrender completely to the will of one I trust.  I am she who knows how to trust and how to hope and how to let go.  I am she who cries and the one who wants to be held and be known and be safe.

I am she who wants to please, the one who wants to be told that I have done well, that I am worth wanting, that I am worth having.  I am she who desires to put those I love before myself because I love.   

I am the one who knows the way to the place the others cannot go.

respecting my limits...

I have been crying today.  The empty space is full of sadness and the tears keep overflowing.  I know that I will be better soon but, I am too raw tonight to write with the last two members of the committee.  All of the others are strong in their own ways.  All of them can have conversations and interact, negotiate, even find points of agreement.  But the bitch and Pluto’s child are different.  They are too vulnerable.  To work with them, I need to be in a place of strength.  And that is not where I am tonight.   Tomorrow I will spend the afternoon with my family to celebrate Christmas together.  I will be Nanna and the human mother, aunt, sister, daughter.  My family makes me strong.  My granddaughter is fearless and adventurous.  As a one year old she sets an example for me and reminds me of what matters, of why it is important to brave the difficult places.  I will sleep and then spend a joyous few hours with her and my children.  Then I will have regained my place of strength, and I can and will write with the bitch and the shadow child.   Sometimes we need to know our limits and respect them.