The thought crossed my mind today that I wish I had not learned these things about myself.
I am having difficulty accepting and reconciling the conflict between these desires and most especially with the judgments that I make about them. It feels as though these desires belong to separate people who do not understand or trust each other. And who judge each other harshly.
I considered pretending that they are not real, not truly a part of me but, I have too many memories from too many decades that prove to me that they are true and that they are profoundly important. I have too many memories from too many decades that warn me that pretending that they are not real will fail and that would be dangerous to my well being.
I fear that the part of me that enjoys inflicting pain and controlling others is too chaotic, too destructive, too angry, too dangerous. I fear that given the freedom to express itself, it will hurt someone because it does not give a damn. That it is devoid of both compassion and conscience. That it is incapable of self-control or compromise.
That part of me is so angry because I have denied its existence and its right to exist and to express itself since I was a little girl. And it judges me, and the part of me that enjoys pain and submission as weak, and deluded, and a coward, and a liar and a whore.
Some of these judgments may be based in truth. I have been a liar in denying certain truths, or in pretending to be other than I am. I have been deluded in thinking that pretending can make it so. I have been a coward in not speaking because I was afraid. I have been a whore in betraying my own integrity and honor.
But I am not weak, and I am striving to overcome years of habit in behaving otherwise. And if I give that angry part of me the chance to express and to live, it may learn to do so in a way that will not be as destructive or out of control as it has been in the past.
So I will put aside the judgments and try for reconciliation and understanding. I will give each of these conflicting parts of me a gift. I will give them both the chance to dress up and dance to music that expresses those desires. I will give them both a book of their own to write from their own point of view.
That is what I do, I communicate. Maybe through acknowledging and honoring both as equal parts of myself, as equally deserving of existence and life, and giving each the space to express those desires, to create art and poetry and stories about who I am, I will be able to integrate them into a happy and whole person that is me.
While I may find this knowledge confusing and disturbing, I am committed to understanding all of who I am, and to learning to live as a whole person. I suspect that the process of integrating these aspects of my identity and of mastering the power that they hold for me will be uneasy, perhaps uncomfortable, and possibly painful. I know that the prospect is terrifying.
But fear and pain are not reason enough to turn back, even if I could. I have paid too high a price to fail. People I love have sacrificed so that I might finally live. I will not betray them, I will not betray myself. I will do whatever is necessary to fulfill the vows that I have made.
So Mote It Be.