The first time I had sex with my friend was the first time I had ever had sex that left bruises on my skin. I enjoyed it immensely but, that is not what this post is about. This exploration is about paying attention and learning about myself. It was the first time I had ever truly been pushed in that way and after the physical release; I curled up on the bed in the fetal position and sobbed.
I have cried (seldom but, it has happened) during sex with other lovers but, this was uncontrollable sobbing that shook my entire body. My friend held me until the sobbing had passed.
The thing that struck me most in that moment, and for days after, was that I felt the urgent need to get up and do something else. I can’t remember what, the dishes maybe? But I was incredibly uncomfortable being that emotional, that vulnerable, and needed to get up and put some distance between us and re-establish my autonomy. I needed to be on my feet. I needed to do something to put my control and mundane reality back into its proper place.
We discussed that reaction a few days later, and I made the decision that the next time we were together, I would try to relax and allow myself to remain in that place. That I would allow him to take care of me in those moments and that I would take care of him in other moments.
Care-taking is a role that I enjoy and one that supports my sense of strength and autonomy. It is a natural way for me to express my power. It helps to balance those moments when I choose to submit to another’s will and to another’s care. This I have discovered is one of the boundaries that I need to respect about who I am.
My independence and autonomy is incredibly important to me. Being a strong and capable person is something I cannot compromise. But allowing myself to be vulnerable and not in control, and allowing someone to take care of me, is an experience that is priceless to me, and I give thanks for a friend who understands both of those needs and who respects them and is willing to help me explore them.