The first time I had sex with my friend was the first time
I had ever had sex that left bruises on my skin. I enjoyed it immensely but, that is not what
this post is about. This exploration is about
paying attention and learning about myself. It was the first time I had ever truly been
pushed in that way and after the physical release; I curled up on the bed in
the fetal position and sobbed.
I have cried (seldom but, it has happened) during sex with
other lovers but, this was uncontrollable sobbing that shook my entire
body. My friend held me until the
sobbing had passed.
The thing that struck me most in that moment, and for days
after, was that I felt the urgent need to get up and do something else. I can’t remember what, the dishes maybe? But I was incredibly uncomfortable being that
emotional, that vulnerable, and needed to get up and put some distance between
us and re-establish my autonomy. I
needed to be on my feet. I needed to do
something to put my control and mundane reality back into its proper place.
We discussed that reaction a few days later, and I made the
decision that the next time we were together, I would try to relax and allow
myself to remain in that place. That I
would allow him to take care of me in those moments and that I would take care
of him in other moments.
Care-taking is a role that I enjoy and one that supports my
sense of strength and autonomy. It is a
natural way for me to express my power. It
helps to balance those moments when I choose to submit to another’s will and to
another’s care. This I have discovered
is one of the boundaries that I need to respect about who I am.
My independence and autonomy is incredibly important to
me. Being a strong and capable person is
something I cannot compromise. But
allowing myself to be vulnerable and not in control, and allowing someone to
take care of me, is an experience that is priceless to me, and I give thanks
for a friend who understands both of those needs and who respects them and is
willing to help me explore them.
Vulnerability without avoidance is an art worth mastering. If we're going to live to a ripe old age, we're going to need to know how to be taken care of. Sounds like you're in a lovely phase of expanding self-knowledge. Many Blessings for this journey.
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