The paradox of human identity is wonderful and horrible all at once. It is necessary and beautiful and terrifying. And sexual identity is all of those things and incredibly messy on top of it all.
The thing about exploring who you are is that sometimes it means you have to face up to things with which you may not be comfortable. And just when you think you have come to terms with one truth about your Self, it gets all turned around, and upside down, and inside out, and backwards and you discover another truth that your mind and your heart might have difficulty reconciling.
My Gods have been pushing and demanding and relentless in their insistence that I work with my source of power and to do that I need to fully know it. I have recently spent time with my friend experimenting and exploring and having fun and being terrified.
This work did not involve much pain for me but, it did involve a great deal of fear and working with a part of me that I had insisted was false…as it turns out I was wrong. It is not false, but it is angry, very angry. And it frightens me more that any pain I have ever experienced.
As much as I have the capacity to accept and enjoy pain, I have an equal capacity to enjoy inflicting it upon others and perhaps an even stronger drive to do so. My pleasure in submitting to the control of another is equaled by my pleasure in controlling someone else.
My friend (who does not enjoy pain in the way that I do) allowed me to express this, even pushed me until I did so. This was difficult and terrifying for me (and painful for them and I am immensely grateful for my friend's strength and commitment to help me learn about myself). I do not know anything about expressing that desire with control, although I have controlled it for most of my life, I have done so by not allowing it any expression and that is not something that I can continue if I am to live with the integrity that my Gods demand.
I need to work with these conflicting desires until I can find a balance, until I can express both within my ethical structure and with the care and control that is necessary for my safety as well as the safety and well being of anyone with whom I might engage.
I will work with all that I am to integrate these disparate truths. To be a whole person is to be a well and happy person. Without knowledge, no work is possible and I would simply be continuing to hide from myself. I began this exploration with the vow that I would not look away, and I will not.