Understanding the way I function, the way I relate to others, the way I engage, or do not engage, is an important step to making a choice to change the patterns that do not work well, the ones that prevent me from engaging with other humans in a healthy and balanced way.
Compartmentalization is a useful strategy, until it isn’t. The boxes are helpful in making sure that no one is ignored but, it is also necessary to build bigger boxes and allow for thresholds between them so that communication and cooperation are possible. Not only so that we can establish agreements and healthy boundaries but, so that we can heal the child and so that we can live with integrity.
In the practice of magick it is necessary that all of my parts are engaged in the intent to use power. In journeying and other magickal processes it is also necessary to be able to open to Spirit. I have had difficulty in allowing my power to flow and in being fully open but, these past months I have made progress, both in learning to let go and in regaining control when I need to.
Intellectualization is also a useful tool, until it isn’t. Being able to think calmly and rationally in a crisis is helpful when things need to be handled but, thinking as a way of avoiding emotions altogether, or as a substitute for feeling is no way to live. We have hearts not only minds. Both need to be engaged if we are to live full lives.
In disassembling many of the structures I have built over decades, I have found that I have been revisited by many of the patterns and behaviors and thoughts that I had rejected. I need to find new ways, better ways, of coping with the feelings and the voices. And I need to establish different patterns of engaging with others.
Different persons of the committee have different styles of attachment and none of them really work well. Certainly not the way I would desire. Some would avoid intimacy or emotional engagement completely, valuing our autonomy and independence above all else. Most of us have a fearful-avoidant pattern, desiring to connect with others but holding back. And the child is simply terrified of being touched and of being abandoned.
Understanding and recognizing how the patterns work, being aware of them and making choices to relate differently, to take chances, to fall in love and to express that love, these are a good beginning I think.