The voice in the dark that has been talking the loudest lately is one I have been hearing for what seems like my entire life. And truth be told, while it is not the first voice that I can remember hearing, I have been hearing it since I was a child. A friend called tonight because they knew that I was having a very dark time and when I spoke the thoughts that I have been hearing for the past week or so, they asked me which one of my selves was saying those things.
I did not know the answer, and so my friend had me ask each of the members of the committee if they were the one speaking…none of them were. So my friend had me ask them who was speaking and they all looked behind them at a shadow standing behind them all.
I could not make out the features of the shadow at first but then I could, and it was a child. That child is the strongest of my shadows. She is the one who believes the things that children do, the way that children do. She is not rational; she is afraid, angry, ashamed, confused and persistent. I thought that I had resolved those feelings and beliefs that “Pluto’s child” held but, she is still a part of me. She will always be a part of me, she will never be a grown woman, she will never not be shadow and she will never die.
I still have work to do with her, I understand that now. If I am aware of her, and her beliefs, and her feelings, I can remember that she is just a child and that her irrational beliefs are not truth, just the feelings of a child. I am not a child; I have more tools, more knowledge, more understanding, more voices. I have an entire committee, as well as beloveds with whom I am safe.
The shadow child needs to speak too. She needs to be allowed into the light to voice things that we have been silent about for far too long. Expressing her anger, and her fears, and her irrational beliefs is necessary. Children do not heal in the dark and the silence.