I have conflicting feelings about relationships. I want very much to fall in love some day. I believe in love and in sharing your heart with others. I did mention that I am a romantic, didn’t I? I like having someone to whom to say “Good Morning!” and “Good Night” and “How was your day?” I like sharing meals sometimes and sharing a bed sometimes. I enjoy physical and emotional intimacy and intellectual conversation, the sharing of ideas, hopes, dreams, energy, magick and the experiences of this life. I believe that we as a species are not meant to be completely solitary creatures.
But having a place of my own, having time to myself, having the quiet and solitude that I need to think, to dream, to work magick and to write, is necessary for me and I have worked very hard to attain my independence. I do not want to sacrifice my time alone or to negotiate with someone else to have time and privacy. I do not want to check with someone else before going to the lake at night to sit beneath the moon or to make plans to sit and talk with someone whom I love who might need my support.
I want a lover in my life…maybe more than one, maybe not. I believe that relationships should be based on love, respect and a commitment to show up when your beloveds need you. But I do not believe that it is necessary to live with another, to tailor your lives to revolve around each other to the exclusion of your own autonomy.
The image I have of the love I desire is not the one most people assume when they think of a relationship. But it is the one that fills me with warmth and hope. It is the thing I long for, still. I hope someday to be granted the gift of loving another without reservation, without censorship, without restraint and without sacrificing my autonomy.