Wednesday, December 25, 2013

sometimes I feel mean

Sometimes I feel mean.  Sometimes I feel hateful.  Sometimes, when my heart hurts, I feel angry and I want to lash out.  I want to say things that I know will hurt someone. I want to hit someone with more than my fists. I want to destroy someone else, psychologically, emotionally, physically. 

Sometimes I feel this way when I am around people whose behavior or words make me angry, even though they have done nothing to hurt me.  I don’t really understand why, and I do not allow my words or actions to express these feelings towards these people.

I do not like feeling mean.  I do not indulge this feeling.  My ethics and my will refuse to allow this feeling to manifest as behavior.  But I feel it none the less.

It bothers me that I feel this way sometimes.  It bothers me even more that I do not always understand why.  I believe that intent matters as much as feelings.  I believe that my will and my choices protect me and others from these feelings.  

But I wish I could understand where they come from and maybe even find a way to purge them from my heart, my mind, and my soul.

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