Last night I was lying in bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about why? Why do I feel so hateful towards nice people? Why does it make me so angry when someone says “I love you.” or “You are beautiful.”? Why do I react with such rage when people are weak, or needy, or identify as victims? Why do I immediately assume that they are liars? That they cannot be trusted, that they are trying to manipulate, that they want something?
When someone I do not know well says “I love you.” my mind screams “You don’t even know me!” When someone seems too nice, too gentle, I wonder what they are hiding. When someone seems too needy, I wonder what their ulterior motives are, how they are trying to manipulate me, or someone else.
I prefer people who push me, because I can push back, or not, as I choose.
When someone pretends to be nothing but nice, and I do not want to comply by giving them what they want, they always seem to want to place blame and guilt. “I am so nice. You should want to give me what I am asking for.” “What is wrong with you that you don’t want to be kind and loving towards someone as nice, weak, needy, hurt, gentle, victimized as me?”
I get to decide how I feel and how I want to express those feelings. Just because you are a “nice” person does not give you the right to decide how I should treat you. (Obviously every human and non-human deserves to be treated with respect but, I don’t have to like you or give you any part of myself.) I have the right to listen to my own inner voice.
My reactions to those people may be a little extreme but they are also perfectly valid, and I have finally figured out the reason why.
The person who seduced me for the first time (when I was nine years old) did so by telling me that they loved me, that they needed me, that I was beautiful. They did so by showing me weakness and gentleness. And they did so by making me feel guilty for not wanting to love them the way they were asking me to. They did not push me, they pulled at me.
I still feel some rage at myself for being so vulnerable to those tactics and so easily manipulated. And at people who pull at me in that same way.
I may not have figured out how not to feel this way but, awareness and understanding of these reactions is certainly a good place to begin.