There is a small dark thing that pretends to be a part of me that I refuse to allow license. That is because it is a false face that turns my nature upside down to hide my true desires. It is a distortion, and a mask. It is a sadistic thing that revels in inflicting damage. Not simple physical pain but, physical, mental, emotional, and psychological damage. It delights in utter destruction on every level including the destruction of myself. It is not a true part of me but one that has, in my past, asserted its illegitimate authority to hide the true nature of my desires. In truth, it is a liar and I believe, the ill-formed and in-human, still-born product of fear.
I am not judging those who have a sadistic or dominant or predatory nature. From what I have read and learned in my intellectual studies of the nature of those who identify as Sadist, the infliction of mental, emotional and psychological pain or, damage of any kind, is an abhorrent perversion to them. Just as true non-consent (rape) is considered an evil thing not to be tolerated. In much of the writings I have found, even the idea of not having a “safe-word” is completely unacceptable as it is considered too dangerous to all parties. Burning someone or actually cutting someone and causing them to bleed is also considered to be beyond the “safe, sane and consensual” standard of practice. We have done much as a society to control or even “eliminate” the predator within the human psyche.
I have been exploring these ideas intellectually. I have been reading and learning about other people’s feelings about them and about the rules that are insisted upon in the community that explores these experiences. I have even done some physical and purely scientific (solitary) exploration of certain factors. Solitary exploration has been less helpful that actual discussion and discussion has taken quite a bit of work. It took some struggle to even speak about these things with people I trust. I am not accustomed to having to fight so hard to articulate my thoughts on any subject and this in itself has been a learning experience.
I have, in the past, indulged in chemically induced oblivion, and chemically induced arousal. I have, in the past, cut myself and burned myself to feel physical sensation and to explore my reactions to it. I have enjoyed receiving tattoos and my reactions to the stimulus of the pain involved in that experience. I have also experienced disassociation and “out of body” experiences during sexual situations where I panicked but was not capable of “escaping”.
If I am to truly discover anything about myself; it will require that I actually engage with someone who is not afraid to push me and not back down, someone who has made friends with their “inner predator “as it were.
Many would judge the desires that I hope to explore as perversions but, true desire is not perversion, it is the false self that is truly perverse.
I desire to experience pain and to discover my own responses to that experience, to experience violence, to experience the hand at my throat and submission to another’s control, to know how it feels to submit, and to discover how it feels to struggle against the predator and to fight the panic and force myself to remain in my body and not to watch from overhead, not to disassociate from my body but, to stay present and experience without the escape.
I wish to explore these desires because, that false self has tried so hard to hide them from me, and because I believe that our fears, our secrets and desires hold the keys to our greatest truth, our greatest self and out greatest power.